On a Golden Streak

I've blogged before about my unhealthy love for sneakers. And my style theme for next season is centered around being a Golden Boy.

So it comes as no surprise that this pair of Puma Black Label shoes turned me on like a light switch. The gold heel against the subtly patterned black mesh creates so much interesting drama that it's like an episode of Downton Abbey. There's a story both upstairs and downstairs.

The gold gives these shoes a sophisticated quality especially against a dark color. The woven print in the mesh creates a point to affirm that these shoes are not run-of-the-mill and should therefore not be worn on a treadmill.

YES
Thank you Puma for making gold metallic sneakers cool and manly.

NO
These shoes won't make you run or walk any faster.

MAYBE
Just like your favorite sports team, you'd committed yourself to another sneaker brand like Nike or Adidas. That must suck for you.

Trendspotting: Marc by Marc Leopard Print Backpack

Saw this leather leopard print backpack on Mr. Porter's site and it got me thinking how this bag artfully combines the feminine touches of leopard with the manly design of a humble backpack.

YES
This is the perfect way to show off that you are the king of the fashion jungle.

NO
This won't get you a date with Katy Perry.

MAYBE
You prefer zebra stripes.

On Your Mark…Get Set…SHOP

Personally, I prefer a quick visit to the gym versus a jaunt at Target at 4 AM in the morning the day before the store even opens for Black Friday.

I fall into the majority of sane people who forgo the bargain-hungry crowds for the casual and impersonal world of online shopping.

Can I touch the fabric or even try it on to make sure it will fit? No.

Is it a hassle to return for the person getting the gift? Yes.

Do you save as much as you do when you line up at the store and make a mad dash to the flat screen TV's and piss-mark on the one that's yours? Probably not.

But I won't get shot at, trampled to death or freeze my ass off outside.

YES
If you want to live, shop online. You can always do a search to see if there's a hidden coupon code to help you save extra for your gift. And if you're like me and most of the people in your life you give gifts to live in a different state, then you're better off shipping it directly to them.

NO
If you have a death wish, love elbowing your way through the crowds and showing off your crazy hoarding side in public, then find your nearest Walmart. But please case the joint before you go. Don't want you to get lost. Eye on the prize!

MAYBE
You don't have a computer and you're in line at Best Buy 5 minutes after finishing your turkey so that next year you can shop online. In this case, you have my blessings. Go get em and make sure to pick up a laptop case too. They're on sale!

Trendspotting: Moist Man Crotch

There are no words to describe how upsetting these Margiela pants make me feel.

From a distance, they just look like a boring pair of dad jeans dyed in that uninspired gray white denim color. But up close, you notice the dark spot just beneath the front zipper and underneath the crotch area.

Is it a mistake? Is it ventilation? Is it fashion?

Not knowing what to make of it kept me bewildered. Who would wear this and if I miraculously found that person, how would he wear it? That's the only intriguing quality about this pair of pants.

It looks like his balls got moist and formed a wet spot just below his scrotum. The look is even worse from behind.

YES
I'm utterly confused.

NO
I do not like it. I do not condone it. I do not wish to look at it again.

MAYBE
You are the designer who thought this is the pant that men have always dreamed of and wanted. You are wrong.

Sweatin' It Out in Leatha Shorts!

These leather sweat shorts from Oak NYC have been on my radar for a while. They did a perforated version of them in the spring that allowed your Joe Boxers to breathe in the heat.

And for fall/winter, they've come out with a simple pair of leather boxer shorts with the wide elastic waist band.

These are so badass even though they will never see the inside of a boxing ring!

Men have had a long relationship with leather ever since a caveman figured to kill and wear the wooly mammoth of their dreams. Most recently, the leather biker jacket was a symbol of being a rebel whose only cause was to make noise with his hog. But the biker cliche has been played out and no longer seen as badass...especially since most men who ride Harley Davidsons are middle-aged yuppies.

Hence my obsession with leather workout shorts. For this new generation of men, their heroes don't straddle motorcycles. For the most part they are the gods of sport who kill the competition with their styles on and off the court. And LeBron James would rock these shorts.

YES
LeBron and I are kindred style spirits (file under: wishful thinking).

NO
If you are one of the middle-aged men with a Harley, you might want to leave this trend to the young kids. So back off grandpa.

MAYBE
You kept your Hammer pants from the nineties and can make them into shorts. All you need is a pair of scissors. Go for it.

Japanese Homeland Invasion of the Good Kind

Trendspotting led me to a blogpost on Racked.com.  They've discovered AKi-Home, a new Japanese version of IKEA, which offers inexpensive home decor and furniture with streamlined modern design. But unlike IKEA, AKI-Home's products are actually called by their English names.

So instead of saying "Uddgrund" you actually say "Shower Curtain."

Think of it as a distant cousin to Muji. But it's bigger.

I can't wait for their NYC invasion. Hopefully they will also have food because I am tired of eating Swedish meatballs.

YES
This is the only acceptable kind of invasion. It's not like Iraq, where America invaded to redecorate its government. This is more like I need a rug to spruce up the place...not a new dictator.

NO
Just because you don't eat sushi doesn't mean that you can't shop here either. Chopsticks have many other uses.

MAYBE
You're in Japan and you've got a Muji and Aki-home on every corner of your Shibuya. This is like your 7-Eleven which will be invading your country if it hasn't already...along with Abercrombie & Fitch. For that I apologize.

Jay-Z x Barneys Collab Review

Saw this today and can I just say "what a disappointment!" It's basically all the stuff that real street people wear on a daily basis but hiked up by 100% because a designer name is tied to it.

For example, the Balenciaga bag looks like something from the Philip Lim x Target collection.

The python Trimmed hat is WAY overpriced for something I can get at New Era.

And who is really buying this stuff anyway? Is it his hardcore fans from the streets? Doubtful. Is it the overpaid NYC bankers who buy boxed seats at his Barclay's Center concert? Most definitely.

Even though this collaboration is supposed to raise money for his charity, wouldn't he have been better off just asking Barney's to give money to the Shawn Carter Foundation; and in turn he could do an in-store concert or appearance?

The only thing from this that I do like are the embroidered leather boxer shorts and the Rick Owens hoodie. The rest of it will end up at a premium outlet store near you.

YES
At least Jay-Z still makes amazing affordable music. And that's all I ever wanted.

NO
No one in their right minds would even shoplift this from the store since Barney's and the NYPD have the sidewalks on Madison Ave on lockdown.

MAYBE
You're a die-hard Jay-Z fan and he can do no wrong. And your name is probably Beyonce.

My Favorite New Tumblr

Betty is a personal shopper at Bergdorf's and she now has a Tumblr.

Thank goodness she does, because she's amazing. Her scene-stealing scenes in the documentary Scatter My Ashes at Bergdorf's had me chortling out loud.

Now that her wisdom and barbs are available on Tumblr, I have more to look forward to every day.

YES
She's a pistol and I'm adding her Tumblr to my daily reading along with my Horoscope and Weather Channel app.

NO
What? You're not a fan or you don't care to know who she is? Well, here are some of her memorable quotes:

"Show me a person who doesn't like new things. And I say she isn't a woman."
"Women are so competitive these days...those newlywed women with kids...they'll Prada themselves to death."
"What would I be doing if I were't doing this? I'd be drinking."

MAYBE
You shop at Macy's and not at Bergdorf's. Pity. You're missing out.

Trendspotting: I'm Golden for Spring 2014

Fendi Marcello Oxfords in gold.

YES
For Spring 2014, all that glitters in my eye is gold

NO
This isn't for you, if you're more into white gold, silver, platinum or titanium.

MAYBE
You realize these shoes are last season and you would be right. Because what is old is new again. It's called sustainable-fashion and I'm all about recycling the things I find in the outlet malls.

#DontGetIt

Saw this online today and either I don't understand the need to be warm and cold at the same time. Or, this is the UGGs of Hawaii. Lord knows my island brethren love their flip flops and it's been a couple of years since I've been back.

Or maybe these shearling flip flops are for the podiatry challenged (some people can't walk on anything hard). So they need to wear shoes that feel like carpet…I type nonplussed--my SAT word for the day.

YES
Be afraid. Lord knows I am.

NO
Japanese socks don't make this any better. Even the Harajuku kids pointed and laughed at this. And they still rock the uncomfortable wooden sandal. Way harsh Japan.

MAYBE
You invented these ludicrous things and you're laughing all the way to the bank. And your name is Phoebe Philo of Celine (see image from Celine spring 2013 collection). It's still not okay.

Hating on Couples in Matching Outfits

YES
Gay or straight, it don't make it right.

NO
I don't care if you got the shirts because they were 2 for 1.

MAYBE
You're twins and you're forced to dress alike by your parents.

Ahead of the Pack

On Style.com's "Look of the Day," I found that the fanny pack is trending (again!).

I've always worn the fanny pack even when it fell out of style and came back again and fell out again. I love them. To prove my point, I will share this true and tragic tale.

This past summer, my boyfriend decided to throw me a surprise birthday party at my favorite restaurant in the city. Not knowing that 10 of my closest friends would be at the restaurant to greet me, I decided to put together a casual-smart look that included a beige center seam t-shirt, dark wash jeans, dark brown Gucci loafers and my pale blue MiuMiu fanny pack (circa 1999 when MiuMiu still made men's clothing/accessories).

It should have dawned on me that something was up when my boyfriend asked me "that's what you're going to wear tonight?"

But I didn't care since I love wearing my fanny pack because it holds everything I need and is placed in a convenient place. And there's nothing more unattractive on a man than a bulky pocket. Naturally, when we arrived at the restaurant, I think my friends were more surprised to see me wearing a fanny pack than I was surprised to see all of them in one place. One described me as a super gay Batman. Another was impressed that I held on to something so old. Someone else called it "so Carrie Bradshaw" (ick!).

In the end they all had a good laugh. But with the return of the fanny pack on the Spring 2014 runways, guess who's laughing now. Guess I've been ahead, to the side, to the back of the pack all this time.

YES
I actually should upgrade to a Lonchamp leather belt bag (fancy way of saying fanny pack).

NO
If you are a middle-aged suburban parent or have an ass the size of Saturn, the fanny pack is not for you. Sorry Glenn Coco.

MAYBE
You're Will Smith and you want to leave your fanny pack days behind along with your flat top haircut and music career. #parentsjustdon'tunderstand.

My Precious

 Confessions of a Sneaker Head

I LOVE SNEAKERS! 

High-tops, low-tops, mids in nylon, leather, plastic, camo, glitter or cheetah print. I love them all. And with the influx of designer sneakers in the market recently, it's certain that Golem and I aren't the only ones dreaming about our precious sneaks. Because a designer (mainly Nicholas Ghesquiere) realized that there's a lot of money to be made in sneakers. And it's the essential accessory for all street style stars.

But the popularity of sneakers wasn't just driven by one talented Frenchman. It doesn't hurt that a new generation of men and women have taken jobs outside the traditional money-making industries of finance and banking. Many have taken on new roles in the ever growing fields of tech, app development and websites. Here the uniform isn't a blue suit, tie and oxfords. The look is about clean t-shirts, jeans and sneakers (see Mark Zuckerberg as textbook example). This created a whole new consumer for whom the sneaker goes beyond the treadmill in the gym. It's part of their everyday uniform.

YES
I'm always looking at a few sneakers such as:
--Jeremy Scott's Adidas plaid high-tops
--Nike Air Force 1 Downtown in silver metallic
--Rick Owens for Adidas sneaker
--Anything Y-3

NO
Orthopedics don't count as sneakers.

MAYBE
You're a banker who can hit the courts and play like Jordan in your Sperry Top Siders. You go boy!

In My CLUTCHES!

I hate carrying shopping bags by the handles. It inevitably nicks me in shins as I navigate the crowded sidewalks of New York. Sometimes, the handle drops are too long for my vertically-challenged demeanor and the bag drags on the ground.

So I've developed a habit of carrying my shopping bags folded and tucked closely to my thighs or clasped under my arms. It's just more comfortable for me that way. Am I crazy? The answer is I am certifiable…certifiably chic!

It's also the reason why I've been carrying portfolios for several years. Sometimes, just having your junk in the palm of your hands is more satisfying than carrying a big tote bag or having a messenger bag strapped across your chest. On a light day, the only thing on me is a magazine or tablet, my phone, wallet, umbrella, Chapstick and a pack of gum.

Unsurprisingly, when Phillip Lim introduced his 31 Minute portfolio bag with the handle strap (see bag image on left). I was determined to get my clutches on

this perfect little bag; because I am crazy enough to think that someone could easily grab and steal my other portfolios from me while I'm in the subway since I'm not holding firmly onto my bag like I would if it were a briefcase. Obviously, this Lim bag suits my self-complicated neurotic lifestyle. It also happens that there is a Phillip Lim sample sale happening this week in the city. Hazza!

Making my way to the promise land today, I found a table with only one bag left in the camel color. Even though it didn't come with a dust bag, I managed to score the bag for 70% off the retail price. #WINNING

YES
The fashion gods wanted me to have this bag.

NO
You don't need this if you carry your bags like a normal sane person.

MAYBE
You're totally off the deep end and you prefer to use lunch boxes as your briefcases…and you happen to be a 50 year old corporate lawyer. Seek professional help.

Trendspotting: Only in Japan

A recent article on NYMag.com discusses how an advertising agency in Japan solved the dilemma of selling their big ass burgers to women.

Apparently, women consider small dainty mouths a sign of beauty. Cracking it wide open to take a bite out of a big ass burger is unattractive.

YES
Hide your shame with a good-looking wrapper. I approve.

NO
You're right to think this is still creepy.

MAYBE
You prefer to eat tacos and would prefer a wrapper with a Mexican Gaucho's moustache on it instead. Viva Taco Bell! Viva!

Beam Me Up to Planet Gaultier

A Gaultier denim vest was my first real designer purchase that I made using my own money when I was 18. So it's no surprise that I made the trek yesterday to the Brooklyn Museum to see the Jean Paul Gaultier fashion exhibit (more pics to come on Instagram).

And it was magnifique!

Ironically placed in the American wing, you had to walk through rooms of antique George Washington era furniture and portraits. Perhaps they placed Gaultier in that wing because his designs give the sense of creative freedom. The clothes represent a man who feels free to explore his fancy, which includes his glamorous take on S&M, the luxury  grocery cart made of fur and the infamous cone bras that will poke your eye out if you get too close.

But that's all I could do to the clothes was look as close as possible to see every hand painted detail, corset and flights of imagination on display. I also learned a lot. The fragrance can was inspired by his mother who recycled everything after the war before it even became fashionable. It was out of scarcity. I also realized how much he loves illusion. Each piece looks like one thing from the distance but then you get up close to it and you see that the copper metal-looking corset is actually patent leather strips. The leopard print coat is actually made of feathers painted with spots.

The light projection of models' faces onto the mannequins also made the show more engaging since they would start speaking with French accents and just leer at you as you inspected their clothes. As a New Yorker familiar with riding the subway, getting leered at was nothing new. The singing mannequin was my favorite.

The only disappointing thing about the exhibit was that there wasn't more for me to see and explore. It was so easy to get lost in the fantastical world of Gaultier. So with the void, I did what anyone else would do...I went shopping.

YES
If you can trek it to Brooklyn, it's worth checking out.

NO
Don't wait until it gets to the Met because it never will.

MAYBE
You think the McQueen exhibit was be all and end all...well you're wrong.

Hating on Neoprene

Dear Details,

With regards to your recent post about the technical wonderment that is neoprene, please note that you omitted one crucial fact about the fabric.

IT DOESN'T BREATHE!

Sure I oohed and aahed at the thought of neoprene until I tried it on. The damn thing is stiff and provides no air whatsoever to circulate around your body. It was like being inside a hot pocket snack.

YES
Maybe I judged it too quickly and need to try another version that has ventilation designed into the piece to allow your skin to breathe. Until then, I'm not a fan.

NO
Just because the fabric was developed for surfers, I advise that you don't wear this to go in the water. Most surfers aren't the brightest light bulbs on the Christmas tree.

MAYBE 
You're one of those guys who thinks it looks cool to wear your winter coat open. Then, this is for you. This also applies for any guy who has some kinky secret basement with props. You can add this as your high-fashion piece in your gimp collection.

TRENDSPOTTING: Fedora Meets Trapper Hat

This Borsalino creation is crazy, awkward and totally fashionable. If the price wasn't cost prohibitive, I would jump on this accessory like a fat kid eats cake.

YES: It's Elmer Fudd meets Dick Tracy or Duck Dynasty meets Bruno Mars.

NO: You can't wear this to dinner or to go hiking in the woods…or can you?

MAYBE: You already have a trapper hat and a fedora and can make this on your own. If you do, tell me how much and where I can buy it.

I am Mr. Rogers

But I don't want to be your neighbor. I don't want to show you how toothbrushes are made or where milk comes from. But I do want to kick Mr. Kangaroos pouch carrying ass across Candyland any day.

As a child who watched reruns of Mr. Rogers triple G-rated shows, I developed an unhealthy affection for cardigans. Plus my grandfather who wore one everyday gave me my first one. It was itchy, it was beige, it was a size too large and it was perfect. I too wore it everyday until a filthy insect made lunch out of it.

Today, it has become a wardrobe staple in my closet and I own at least 10 variations of a cardigan. I even own a laser cut, perforated leather version.

YES
I'm obviously obsessed with cardigans because of an emotional connection

NO
Hoodies are not the same. Perhaps Pewee Herman is your guy and you prefer bow ties. It goes with a cardigan.

MAYBE
You grew up watching Teletubbies and you're more into women's purses.

Reality Bites...until

Reality bites until you find the perfect red plaid shirt!

Having grown up in the nineties, the red plaid shirt was emblematic of a generation who raged against the machine and traded in their Smuckers for Pearl Jam. The sounds of the decade evolved from over indulgent hair metal transvestites to melancholic Seattle garage bands, who were borderline bipolar skaters producing moody new sounds that questioned society.

With no jobs to dress up for, many of the disenfranchised youths just hung out in their regular clothes including the red plaid shirt.

Growing up in tropical climates, I remember buying my own shirt at a Goodwill store just like everyone else. Best 99 cents I ever spent. But a flannel shirt in the tropics was a no go. It's hard to look cool when you're sweating bullets at the beach. So it didn't stay in the closet very long. No wonder someone donated it to the Goodwill. But I've always imagined being reunited with the perfect red plaid shirt.

YES
It finally happened and it's all due to Hedi Slimane. His love for the same 90's era has produced a grunge collection for Saint Laurent (see picture).

And because of his trend-setting power, H&M produced a high-end masstige version of the red plaid shirt. The H&M version is light, breathable and $34.95. It's time to break out that Pearl Jam and relive some memories .

NO
You didn't have to live in the 90's to appreciate a good well-made shirt.


MAYBE
You're a lumberjack and you're over it.

Instagramatically Correct?

YES
Oscar Von Wild  is now on Instagram and relaunching the Wear Me Out Section. Here's one my recent posts where I mix gingham, pink polka dot tie and plaid baseball jacket. Who does such craziness? Oscar does.


NO
I won't go all Anthony Weiner and post d*ck pics unless it will help me show the sexy benefits of drop crotch pants.


MAYBE
I will also post some intriguing videos about nothing and everything. There's really no wrong or right way for instagramification.

Life Lesson: Avoid Model Sandwiches

YES
This photo teaches us that being the "average person" between two models will never produce a good picture.

NO
This picture wouldn't be better with two male models because they will also make any person in the middle look like Frodo.

MAYBE
This girl is actually a power lesbian and she's got her b*tches on lockdown. #Playa

Best Murses of Fall 2013

I read this week via a blog post on NY.Racked.com that Murses are a $9 Billion industry (Quartz.com).

Having posted and boasted about my love for baggage, this spurred me to round up the best bags of the current season that I personally think are great investments that will get you your money's worth. I picked these bags based on the criteria of design, weight and ability to be worn for years on end.

The last thing a man needs is a trendy bag. Leave the "It Bag" insanity to the women. So here is my short list with a brief explanation from left to right:

Best Backpack / 3.1 Philip Lim:  It's cool without being too junior (i.e. Jansport). This would look great with a gray suit at the office or with a sweat suit at SoulCycle. The buckles on the shoulder straps and the outside zipper pocket provides enough interesting detail in the bag to make it stand out without making it scream for attention (Miley Cyrus).

Best Duffle Bag / Prada:  I own this bag and it's personally the best thing I ever bought for traveling. I can hand carry it or put it on my shoulder. It has a side zipper for my boarding pass and essentials. Plus it's made of light weight fabric and has a malleable shape that allows me to pack as much crap as possible...while still managing to squeeze it in to any sized overhead compartments.

Best Briefcase / Hugo Boss:  This bag works for a corporate tax attorney as well as for a non-profit office manager. It's simple in design but has plenty of room and compartments inside for organizing papers and a laptop. The outside pocket provides easy access to commuter essentials like a metro card, tablet and old fashioned newspapers. This bag shows them who's the boss (you are) without trying too hard.

Best Messenger / Balenciaga:  Again, there are two versions of Balenciaga messenger bags sitting in my closet. It's because the leather is light, durable and easy to dress up or down. That's why I typically travel with one. It's nondescript because it doesn't have a logo even though inside holds my travel guide, subway map, bottled water and stash of euros. Now you know and knowing's half the battle.

Best Portfolio / Gucci:  Okay, I like this portfolio because it comes with a wrist chain. It reminds me of the scene in Ocean's 11 when the guy gets out of the limo and he's handcuffed to his briefcase. I enjoyed the irony of being literally tied to your work. This just made me think of it. Overall, portfolios should be simple. I just prefer mine to be a little tricked out.

Best Tote Bag / Saint Laurent:  Because it's reversible, this bag automatically wins. I mean, aside from the fact that it's roomy, weighs less than an Olsen twin and has a smooth suede side, it is also easy on the eyes. For the guy who needs to carry his life in his bag every day of his life, this bag is made for you. It even gives you options. Who doesn't like options?

YES: These are just suggestions. Make up your own damn mind what you like. I am not your mama.

NO: Having a bag doesn't make you stylish. It can create muscles as well as make other muscles sore from carrying one.

MAYBE: You live in a virtual world where you never have to carry a bag. With your Google Glass and smart watch, you've evolved to a better future. In this case, please review my post about my new favorite sunglasses case for your Google Glass.  Click Here.

Watch Out: Avicii Wake Me Up Video

 Just watched this music video (which seems to be sponsored, cast and directed by Ralph Lauren's Denim & Supply brand). What struck me as funny is that the video is a simple story about a beautiful young woman with a girl who's probably a younger sister. They both have a pair of triangles tattooed on their arms. 

As they walked through town styled in head to toe RL Denim & Supply, the townspeople gawked at them and gave judgmental looks. The little girl asks "why do they hate us?" The older of the pair doesn't have an answer but manages to find the camera light perfectly to pout. She then rides a horse under a bridge to the fashion district of a quiet city. There she finds another gorgeous model looking woman who has the same triangle tattoo on her shoulder. The pair of models strut off to an Avicii open air night concert skipping any possible meals--with the exception of that ecstasy pill. They danced the night away and the leading model went back home to collect her underage model sister so that she can also discover the ecstasy of partying with other models.

YES

Models can be persecuted for their beauty. They can find refuge in each other until the casting agent calls. Then it's all out model civil war.

NO

The video didn't make me want to wear RL Denim & Supply jeans any less than I did before watching this far-fetched video. Kind of feel embarrassed for them.

MAYBE

Avicii has a model girlfriend he promised to make a video star...and he most certainly did. 

File under WATCH OUT

Hating on Bikini Jeans

YES
Coming to a gay pride parade and stripper rodeo near you.

NO
These aren't acceptable for casual Fridays. Put a shirt on it then we'll talk.

MAYBE
You really think this completes your nipple ring (not included)

Picture Perfect as Dorian Gray

I've entered a new phase. Last year was all about succumbing to my earned right as a New Yorker to be cloaked in black from head to toe twenty-four seven. Some people age gracefully and accept the middle-aged spread, but I decided to dress in morbid black to mourn the passing of my youth.

Not having made a deal with the devil to keep me looking young forever, I've had to figure out other ways to cope with the graying hair, the loosening skin and the constant fatigue. But in my dip into the dark side, I learned that I'm not a very good goth guy. I just looked like a professional cater waiter in my head to toe black.

So this fall, I've decided to go to the middle ground. And that middle color is gray. It's a wonderful colorful for maturing men. The same way that beige makes an older woman look more elegant and chic. I've discovered that gray gives a man gravity with a timeless elegance. Even with this Jean Paul Gaultier gray bolero layered on top of a cardigan with matching tie, dress shirt and pant combo, he still looks serious without looking too stupid.

MAYBE
This model does look dumb but I'm too senile to realize it.

NO
If you're still in the mindset that Abercombie & Fitch is high fashion, this post is irrelevant for you. Come back in 15 years.

YES
You also love dressing in monochromatic colors and have realized that wearing all black makes you look like you're part of a bad version of the now cancelled TV show The Sopranos.

CURL UP & DYE!!!

This is typically how I feel when I'm faced with trying to decide what to do with my hair.

If the picture doesn't give it away, I have curly hair. It's the kind that you'd normally find on an All American Girl doll dressed in a prairie gown hitchin' a ride on a wagon. Or you'd find my kind of hair on an 8 year old Shirley Temple tap dancing on the staircase with a happy black man who has nothing better to do than to sing and dance back up to a little girl who's always in trouble and doesn't stop talking cutsie with her lisp.

Based on my run-on sentence, it's obvious that thinking about what to do with my hair is fraught with stress. Bald guys can shave it off or comb it over. Guys with pin straight hair can wear it however they want and will never have problems with hat hair during the winter. But even when I straightened my hair way back when, there was just so much of it that it was much more of a hassle to keep up with it than if I just kept it curly. The only downside is that there are no other ways to style curly hair.

Even after a thorough Google search, very little options popped up. I've narrowed it down to a style reminiscent of a Japanime drawing.

YES
Yu-Gi-Oh is my future. I mean, I have a Jonas brother in my hair vision board.

NO 
I don't have the head or face shape for a shaved head. Wish I did because I'd totally be in to it. No fuss..no muss. Dream hair.

MAYBE
You have an afro and work as a barista where that's totally okay. More power to you! You know I'm jealous.

HATING ON APPLE 5S, C, D, E, I, E, I, OH NO

Even though I was one of the first "early smartphone" adapters starting with iPhone 1 through 5, I decided today that I need to quit the Mac attacks.

Maybe it's the new 5S, 5C also known as C you later. Because I'm totally unimpressed and bored. I mean changing the case and launching it with a new OS is pure marketing b@llsh!t.

Seriously, I got the first iPhone because it was "cool." It made the crackberry seem like an antiquated typewriter from the early 1900s. But Apple's cool factor is evaporating. And this desert misses the rain. Let the ideas pour.

YES
Steve Jobs rest in peace. You took the cool with you.

NO
The Samsung phones aren't any better. They're so big and clunky, it's like having a brick in your pocket.

MAYBE
Apple is just down in the slumps and needs to get its mojo back. Seriously, the developers in Silicone Valley need to get a new medicinal marijuana dealer...erm...dispenser.

The UGGLY Truth

It happened by accident. I was killing time at Nordstrom Rack waiting for a friend, who was upstairs at Best Buy, when a pair of boots caught my eye. They were a pair of black UGG Wrangell boots. I judged them immediately like I judge men with bad shoes or unkempt toenails. Disgusting! Spit! Spit! Vomit!

These are the shoes you see on guys who just don't know any better...like Tom Brady. But at least he gets paid to wear them. In my head, the guys who wear these have super trendy dominant wives/girlfriends who shop for them. They wear matching UGG boots to go to the mall together because it's cold in there.

Then, I realized that maybe I'm prejudiced and should have an open mind. It's what MLK (Dr. Martin Luther King) would do. Plus my friend was taking forever and there was nothing happening at the Rack. Besides, what is the big fuss about UGGs? I much prefer my LL Bean shearling duck boots. They're waterproof and classic. The downside is, it takes 20 minutes to lace and unlace them. It's not ideal when you  come in from the cold to a warm room and immediately have to relieve yourself; but you're stuck at the door trying to loosen up the laces so you don't track snow on your hard wood floors.

Out of curiosity, I slipped off my shoes and put these UGGs on. That's when it hit me. These are like the perfect pair of warm fuzzy slippers you'd wear around the house drinking hot chocolate and ginger bread cookies. But these slippers are meant for the great outdoors. Even though I was only wearing ankle socks, I immediately felt warm, cozy and even slightly happy. Who am I right now?

I can't be seriously contemplating buying these. There was a pair of Pirelli boots I tried on last year that were much lighter and chic, but they just didn't deliver this kind of warm fuzzy happy. Damn! I'm a fashion snob. I've got this UGGs trend so wrong. Now it makes sense why so many people wear them even to the cold LA mall.

Last winter, I went to Germany with only a pair of Bikkemberg boots that had the cool detail where the ankle straps laced through the boot heel. They looked amazing, but my toes were frozen. I didn't take the LL Bean boots because I would be that guy at airport security holding up the line. These UGGs would have been amazing for all the cold weather Germany had to throw at me.

This year, I'm planning to go back to Switzerland and France during the winter. These would make the perfect pair of travel shoes for the plane and for walking around. I must have them!

YES
It's not fashion, it's not style and it's pure comfort. Suck it.

NO
Just because you're a big Tom Brady fan doesn't mean you should buy everything he endorses.

MAYBE
I should tackle a list of things I think are tacky and see what I really think about them after I try to walk in their shoes. Here I come Rockport.

It's a Handful of Perfect

With a wallet, keys, the latest iPhone and several credit cards, club cards, IDs, metro card etc., I have a lot going on in my pockets.

It's not attractive. My ass looks like it has a tumor. And after time, it deforms my pants' back pocket and leaves an unattractive fade mark.

So I'm THAT guy you always see with the man clutch, the wristlet, the fanny pack, the back pack, the gym bag to carry all of my crap. But what I've always wanted is just something simple that can carry just the essentials--wallet, phone, keys and chapstick. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently it was, because I've been looking for years for a simple hand-held wallet. And it was worth waiting for because Philip Lim must have heard me complain at a bar and came up with the leather case to the left to meet my crazy needs. Although designed to be a sunglass case, I use it as an everything case since it fits all of my essentials plus it's small enough to fit into the palm of my hands with a strip of leather to keep it on my hand at all times...because I tend to lose stuff.

YES
Join my bag of crazy and get one for yourself.

NO
You don't need one if you only wear cargo pants or always have a blazer on, which have multiple pockets for all of your stuff.

MAYBE
You're okay with having a tumor on your ass. Just be aware that sitting on a wallet can lead to sciatica nerve damage especially if you sit in a car for too long. Hope you have health insurance.

Trendspotting: Barnacle Lady

I don't care that this was designed by the talented Mr. Bailey for Burberry Prorsum. This coat is hideous. It doesn't matter that it took 1,000,000 hours for imported Ukrainian ladies to stitch each pice of this awful looking bathrobe with overgrown sequined barnacles. She should have left this on the ship and walked the plank naked.

YES
I am really repulsed by this coat.

NO
It doesn't matter if the inside is lined with the Burberry plaid and this is English heritage at its finest. Your options would be to turn the coat inside out and get over the past.

MAYBE
You collect ugly, overpriced and unflattering pieces of clothing. See you on the cover of Harper's Bazaar.

Trend Spotting: Cannibal Models

YES
She's so hungry she's eating her one and only friend for lunch.

NO
There are no calories involved eating another model's hand (there's barely any fat there).

MAYBE
It's okay because she does look fabulous in that dress.

Your Marching Orders

New York's spring 2014 fashion week has been a snooze.

Looking through the street style photos and runway shows, you realize how there's nothing much to look at except a bunch of the same old recycled stuff done in a very bad un-Whole Foods kind of way. They weren't organic to the designer who designed them and even the models couldn't sell it even though there was an American Green Card with a bag of coke back stage waiting for them.

Reading through the fashion blogs, you can tell that they are all struggling to find something to write about this or that collection. Aside from a handful of shows like Thom Browne's crazy town collection, there really wasn't anything out there that spoke to me. In other words, everyone's shown a bunch of stuff people want to wear.

Then, you get to Senor Marc Jacobs. This crazy matador x band jacket mash up made me think of my favorite band jacket and horrible high school experience, which was both exciting and terrifying at the same time.

If this crazy woman walked towards me on the street, I would pull reverse racism and cross traffic to the other side for safety. She looks like she would tackle me while doing a Z-formation move. And this is why Marc is the pied piper of fashion.

Your brain tells you that you should HATE this look, and you would be right. But then you realize that yes, I would like a pair of beaded shorts with gladiator sandals and a Super Cuts haircut for spring. I mean, why not?

YES
Fashion is supposed to inspire you to think about how much you hate the stuff that's different, which you secretly find interesting.

NO
Please do not really wear this outfit together in real life. Get a stylist, a tailor and a paid group of sycophants to tell you how amazing it looks on you before you walk out the door (talking to you Mariah Carey, my little butterfly).

MAYBE
Boring and simple is the name of your game. Just don't expect to go pro with your basic wrap dress.

Trendspotting: Ballin' n Balmain

 

 
  All of these pieces are from Balmain and the Pierre Balmain collection. It has no connection to the designer of its namesake. There are no tulip skirts or sheath dresses. The closest thing to the original Pierre may be the logo and the nipped in waists.

But all of these reinvisioned designs of what Pierre Balmain should be for today's generation are pretty f-ing cool. The ankle boots with studded straps, the plaid biker jacket and the shredded sweater are all classic pieces that you will wear over and over again for years to come.

YES
Be open minded and start collecting some of these pieces especially if you can pull off a nipped waist.

NO
If you want brand heritage, then this isn't for you.

MAYBE
You're a nationalist and will wait for someone to reinvent Geoffrey Beene into THE surfer brand.

Paper, Plastic...Neither

What: Artifact Bag Co. Lunch Tote
Where: ArtifactBagCo.com
Price: $65 
Yes, No and Maybe: Obviously, I like to cook and that means there are lots of leftovers for me to take to work. Seeing this bag on Racked.com made me think of how I've been neglecting my food by taking it in to work in an ugly plastic Tupperware container.

My mini meat loaf patties deserve better. And this bag is the perfect vehicle to show off my culinary skills. Okay, fine, I love accessories. It's my kind of baggage that I carry. 

File Under Technically Speaking

Forage This

Restaurant: Foragers City Grocer / Gem Hotel Location
Address: 300 W 22nd Street, NY, NY 10011
Telephone: 212-243-8888

YNM Review: Brunch is a Sunday ritual for all New Yorkers. If you eat before 1, then it's considered lunch; even if you drink a glass of mimosa. So finding a new place to practice this time honored tradition is a bit of a challenge since many of us are set in our ways and stay loyal to certain diners. 

Unfortunately, my local diner decided to become an upscale Greek restaurant, which subsequently failed, so I was open to a new location.

My friend recommended Foragers. At first, I thought about the new group of hipsters known as Foragers, who shop for their groceries in the garbage bags outside of a grocery store. But she convinced me it wasn't that even though they had their own grocery store and wine shop in the front of the restaurant.

But I went willingly weary. Luckily, Foragers didn't disappoint. Despite my attempts to automatically dislike the place because everything in there is organic and almighty. I have to give it to them credit since the food wasn't bad and the service was okay. My pork sausage with the fried egg on top of potato fries were pretty good. It was just missing the hot sauce. I would even consider going back for dinner...that was until I realized the restaurant is next door to an Associated supermarket and today is garbage day. 

Eat This: The pancakes with the caramelized orange rinds were delicious. You can also order them on the side and who doesn't love a little bit of carbs on the sides. That's what spanx are for.

Drink That: Their Rose is bad. But the organic gin and tonic was wonderful. I actually didn't feel like my insides were burning. It made me think that maybe this is my version of juice cleansing.

File Under Eat This Drink That

Short on Self-Esteem

Twice a year, the city makes me well aware of just how short I really am. It's during NY Fashion Week that the city is inundated with professional and wannabe male and female models crossing the city crosswalks like long-legged gazelles on the African plains.

They are the reason that there's an uptick in cigarette sales, longer Starbucks lines and a shortage in muscle milk. You can spot them all over town carrying their black or white portfolio binders which captures their photogenic talents and measurements.

Despite their economic impact on the city, their God-given beauty and height is a reminder to all city-dwellers that we are all just average.

The genetically blessed specimens as far away as Brazil, Ethiopia and space, come to Manhattan stomping and pouty-faced from hunger.

God, how they make me rethink my diet and the need for the return male platforms.

No wonder, they have served designers as inspirational muses over the history of man. And it's plainly obvious how I want that $300 t-shirt even more because he makes it look so f-ing amazing.

YES
It's a good time to avoid the trendy bars and clubs if you want to save your self-esteem.

NO
There's no need to call your doctor to up your mood stabilizing meds.

MAYBE
You are a model and you're life isn't that amazing. In fact, being beautiful has created more problems than it has opportunities. This is where I call you a liar.

I Can See Right Through You

Well, at least almost.

I've been thinking about how men's fashion doesn't evolve as quickly compared to the other sex. If it wasn't for the popularity of horse riding, we'd all still be wearing togas for sure. Or worse, we'd all still wearing shearling rugs, with spear holsters and cavemen Birkenstocks which are probably look the same as they look now.

So the slightest evolutions in men's design are the most interesting. Some critics say that despite the fact that men only wear a handful of garments, menswear is the most difficult segment to design for and be successful. And I have to give it to the Yelp critics of fashion. They're right.

The waistcoat may owe its history to the Persians who inspired the British, who made it their own, but it certainly has staying power. It began as a long and acceptable girdle for men and transitioned into a functional piece of clothing that stored a man's pocket watch but slowly disappeared from every day wear as men became more and more casual in dress. I blame global warming and the ability of polyblends to trap heat even in its lightest of weaves. So what has design done for the waistcoat (also known as a vest in America)? Designers have decided to cute out the back to give it a fresh new look.

As a sucker for design, I love this new take on the vest. The Italian brand Gazzarrini sells a few on Yoox.com along with a Neil Barrett version I bought for myself.

YES
You can see right through the minimal evolution of the waistcoat and it's fabulous.

NO
Don't wear this without a shirt underneath. It's not a tank top. No one needs to see your bacne (aka back acne).  

MAYBE
You're over the waistcoat and you're going to try and bring the toga back. I can't wait for it. Let me know. Hail Caesar.

TODAY'S TWERK...TOMORROW'S HALLOWEEN COSTUME

YES
This controversy gives women a reason to dress even more slutty for Halloween

NO
A Robin Thicke look alike isn't required but it would complete the outfit

MAYBE
This is TOO demure for you and you'll decide to wear two sea shells as a bra and a clam to cover your kooter. Way to Gaga! She's a Halloween perennial.

Hating on Djokovic

I was invited by a friend recently to join him to go see Djokovic at the NYC Uniqlo 5th Avenue flagship store.

Quickly, I declined.

It's not that I'm a bigger Nadal fan or abhor tennis as a professional sport, but I can't support Djokovic's endorsement of Uniqlo's athletic apparel.

Frankly, they suck. Don't let the Japanese marketing trickery of breathable and smart-wicking fabric trick you. But when did your t-shirt develop a brain? When you sweat it gets wet and depending on how quickly the sweat evaporates determines how effective your shirt really is...and Uniqlo's athletic wear doesn't wick as well as something made by Nike, Adidas or even by H&M Athletic.

Having been suckered into the multiple hang tags with the water droplet illustration on Uniqlo's shirts, I quickly learned how it chaffed and made my skin itch when I worked out.

YES
The lesson is unless you're being paid millions of dollars to wear crappy athletic wear, stick to the brands you know. Don't fall for that Japanese smart fabric advancement bullshit. Take it from a marketing sucker.

NO
You don't have to stop wearing it if you're Djokovic. You probably have assistants out there to buy better quality Adidas and they sew the Uniqlo logo on top of the Adidas one.

MAYBE
You work out in the buff. If that's the case, please look into man-scaping.