Personally Yours

I think that people are over luxury. At least they are tired with the general idea of luxury, which includes an It bag, It watch, shoes and everything in between. That includes the logo emblazoned sweatshirt that you only wear for parties at the Hamptons sold at Barney's for $1,200 US.

What used to be a special item you wore only a handful of times has become over commercialized with every tweet, post, instagram and tragic YouTube unboxing video.

That's why people...err...consumers have moved towards personalization. I've done it. It started with Ralph Lauren's custom polo shirts with my initials and I slowly moved on to LL Bean totes with my friend's nicknames.

The novelty was fun at first. But then, everyone started having their initials placed on everything else. So in the end, the idea of personal luxury also lost its luster.

YES
Fashion is a bitch. Being original takes a lot of work to make it personal and unique. Even your initials aren't enough.

NO
You don't need to pay extra to make it personal. Just get a stencil and some paint.

MAYBE
You can afford to have one of a kind things made just for you. It's called Haute Couture. You're definitely doing it way big.

Wow that's Fugly

Fugly is a wonderful word that combines the emotive power of an expletive and the strong affirmative of a noun.

This shoe by Raf Simons x Adidas is fugly.

It looks like a fashionable boot for Frankenstein before he descends down the castle to terrorize the unsuspecting townspeople below.

Several things make this boot, sneaker, ice hockey shoe meets track and field sneaker a fugly piece of footwear.

1. The shape is boxy and blunt with no foreseeable function.

2. It's supposed to be a winter boot; but the product description never mentions insulation.

3. The price of $1,280 for a piece of molded rubber that looks as good as porto-potty at the end of a music festival is just dumb.

YES
You will see this at an Adidas outlet store in the near future.

NO
I don't think Raf Simons is pulling a joke on the fashion world.

MAYBE
You have a club foot like Oedipus. Well, have I got a shoe for you.

All That Glitters is Saint Laurent

I bought these shoes over the summer and I'm obsessed.

Looking down actually makes me happy because the glitter taps into my inner Dorothy of Kansas and allows me to travel to a magical land called Oz of My Childhood.

In a way, it's therapeutic. At least that's how I justify paying so much money for them.

Wearing them in a city, which no longer prizes individuality and creativity, my feet get a lot of stares from strangers. Luckily, my feet don't have feelings of insecurities because they are just feet.

And these are just another pair of shoes.


YES
I love my new pumped up kicks. Mahalo Hedi.

NO
Watching Wizard of Oz doesn't cheer me up as much as wearing these shoes.

MAYBE
You don't need shoes to cheer you up some days because you have Prozac. It beats alcohol.

Trendspotting: Street Style Homogeny

Watching all the pageantry of fashion week especially off the runway, I realize that modern style is taking a nap this season while everyone dreams of homogeny.

Slideshow after slideshow on Style.com, Fashionista, theSatorialist, NYMag etc. everything looked the same. I was about to post a picture of street style shots from 2012 versus 2014 to make my point, but I bet everyone realizes that at the end of the day, I'm right. Hence, there's no pic with this post. It's all words and potential emojis like :-( for all the things I've seen around fashion week.

It was the usual cast of denim cut off shorts, fringe, boots, funky hats, tiny bags on straps and lots of expensive sneakers. The only difference from the previous year may be the faces. But even they all start to look the same. I did notice that more models have popped up into the street style slideshows since...let's face it, they look good in anything and in every picture.

Perhaps it's because fashion as entertainment has reached mass consumption that all the peacocks have sprouted the same feathers. Each one trying to out do each other with well-practiced poses to show off their outlandish get ups.

Or, I'm a jaded person who realizes that the bloggers were gifted the outfit, the photographers set up the "casual" shots and the real individuals who still have lots of personal style are camera shy.

YES
Wake me up when this homogenous nightmare is over and I can start dreaming again.

NO
Street-style star is no longer a viable career. We can see right through you and your bought Instagram friends.

MAYBE
The street style photographers should be taking pictures of the hairdressers, make-up artists and "real" creatives behind-the-scenes as they leave the venues in their outfits. Those are the people I want to see.

A Man's Guide to Tattoos

I'm not one to judge the design of a man's tattoo since to each his own. So I don't care if you have a tribal tattoo, a cartoon one, or an exoskeleton like Zombie Boy here.

But where you place the damn thing is another story. Also, how you take care of it is something I can speak to since I have a man's tramp stamp (see #2) of my own.

Here are the basics.

1. PLACEMENT: Visible tattoos should only be on men who don't have office jobs. This goes for the neck tattoo and the tear drop eye markings--which is apparently a way of showing how many men you've killed. Guess this is useful information for prison. The type of guy who usually has a neck tattoo with his name, his mom's image or a cross larger than the kind you found in Israel during Roman times probably works in an auto body shop, pawn shop or biker shop (see all of the Discovery Channel shows), a band or a barista at Starbucks.

2. MAN'S TRAMP STAMP: Any tattoo placed on the pelvic area of a man that's right above his junk is the male equivalent to a woman's tramp stamp (a tattoo placed on the lower back above the ass crack). It says gay--just like me. It also implies that you're probably a man-whore...not that there's anything wrong with that. More power to your pelvis like Elvis.

3. UPKEEP: Okay, so the real reason I decided to put a tattoo on my pelvis is to keep my body in check. There's nothing sadder than seeing a stretched out tattoo with stretch marks cutting through the original ink. Placing mine on my waist line ensured a lifetime of ab workouts to keep it in check. Pilates is my preferred way to keep it tight. But this goes for all tattoos. Don't let them get stretched out or droop over time. Hit the gym and always apply sunscreen on the area to keep the ink from fading.

3. THINK IT THROUGH: Try to think a tattoo through before you get it. Ideally, you'd research the ink shop, get recommendations from guys who have tattoos you really like or read Yelp reviews. Names of people outside your immediate family is a recipe for disaster along with getting a tattoo while under the influence.

YES
Tattoos are on everyone and not as dangerous as they used to be. But it's just another ancient form of body decoration. Channel your inner Martha Stewart and decorate away.

NO
Having a tattoo doesn't make you sexy or cool. It just means you have nothing better to do with your time, money or body.

MAYBE
You're more into piercings. If that's the case, I'm not the guy to get advice from.

Under Consideration: Pierced is Firece

Versus Pierced Backpack

It seems ironic that piercing an accessory is such a fashionable turn-on when I'm so easily turned-off by body piercings on a human.

Belly button, nose ring, tongue, nipple and nether region piercings seem so unsightly. Earrings make sense because gold and diamonds help you hear better. It's not science, but it's what I like to believe.

People who insert quarter-sized cork plugs in their ears need to plug their brains because it's leaking with good judgement. I have yet to be in a situation where I need to cork a bottle of Pinot and a random dude saves the day by giving me his cork piercing.

This Versus backpack is the closest thing I'll ever get to a piercing. It just does it for me with its functionality and punk rock attitude.

YES
We all need a little punk rock now and then.

NO
It's not the same if you put a safety in a regular black backpack. It has to be an epic Versace safety pin that shines so bright and sparkly like a diamond that Rhianna magically appears.

MAYBE
You prefer a briefcase or messenger bag.

Please Be My Valentino!

Valentino Men's Fall 2014

I started out the year #obsessed with anything and everything Saint Laurent. But then I realized that my runner's legs will never fit into the stove-pipe skinny jeans that Hedi Slimane has been designing for the brand.

Let's just call it a sad moment in the dressing room. It looked a little something like this:

I guess there's always Saint Laurent tops and accessories I can hoarde. But the Saint Laurent aesthetic doesn't change that drastically from season to season that my current haul will last me for years before I get bored or tired of them. Besides, how many tuxedo jackets can I possibly own especially since the last time I needed a tuxedo was for a family wedding about 5 years ago.

I did try to rock it at Whole Foods, but the cheese monger didn't care or notice. And why should he?

That's when I decided to look to new designers for inspiration for the upcoming Fall 2014 season. Rick Owens is wonderful but I'm too short for his new avant guard designs. The cheese monger wouldn't be able to see my face behind that high Owens cowl neck. No one wears Gucci any more except Russians, pimps and actual Russian pimps. Kenzo had too much going on, Givenchy is reserved for wannabe b-ball players and Armani made me sleepy with all those earthy tones.

But Valentino caught my eye and seduced me right away with its devil's-in-the-details designs. I'm loving the herringbone camo suit (pictured above). The man clutch ain't too shabby either.

The double-faced cashmere coats and sweaters throughout the collection also made me wish it was already October and pumpkin-spiced latte season at Starbucks. Each piece looked so luxurious, soft to the eye and easy to understand. Even the crazy fur coats and embroidered owl jackets seemed like something someone out there would actually love and be brave enough to wear out in public (speaking to all Kanyes).

YES
I'm a Valentino-believer. Move over Saint Laurent, there's a new gay man in town winning the hearts and wallets of men.

NO
I can't really afford all of the pieces I want. But this man-boy can dream.

MAYBE
You are part of the 1% and have already bought the entire collection. I can't wait for you to sell it at a consignment store.

Knock-It-Off Zara...Please

Dear Zara,

If you're trolling the web looking for ideas on what you should knock-off or be inspired by for the upcoming fall season, please take note of my top 5 picks that deserve your attention.

Given that it takes you less than a month to "reimagine" these designs, have them produced in the not-warring parts of Ukraine or Tunisia and have them displayed on a mannequin in your 5th avenue stores in NYC, I think that my letter to you has a chance of influencing what you put in stores this fall.

If you need further reasons to compel you why these deserve to be adapted for the masses, here's a quickie:

1. Neil Barrett Lightning Sweatshirt: Every man-child loves lightning. This makes it acceptable and even cool to admit it.

2. Dolce & Gabbana Side Panel Trousers: These are the most versatile pants ever. Dress it up or down, it goes with everything.

3. Kenzo V-Panel Button Up Shirt: It's interesting without being weird.

4. Christopher Raeburn Quilted Toggle Coat: I mean, talk about a new classic coat. This is da bomb.

5. Valentino Studded Oxfords: Sneakers as a trend kind of died this summer, at least for me. It's time to break up with Nike and move on to a new love for Valentino. These shoes make a statement.

YES
Dear Zara, help make this Christmas the best-dressed version of me yet.

NO
You don't have to make everything on this list, but if wouldn't hurt.

MAYBE
I should also send this open letter to H&M, Target, etc. Yup, I went there.

Under Consideration #9

OAK NYC PONCHO

Trolling OAK NYC's website for products that may be at their upcoming sample sale, I came upon this little gem.

It's a modern take on the classic Mexican-American cowboy poncho. The cut is daring but simple. This piece can easily be worn on the street without creating too much fuss. I mean, it looks like a sweatshirt that was cut up so that you lost the sleeves. But at the same time, it's interesting enough that you know that wearing this to fashion week will make you a street style blogger super star.

The only struggle I have about adopting this item into my closet is how I will incorporate this into the rest of my look since. Being vertically-challenged, I'm afraid that this might make me look like a toddler dressed up as a superhero. Not that there's anything wrong with hyperactive imaginations. But it's something I will definitely need to try on and decide at the store.

See you at the sample sale.

YES
This poncho-hoodie hybrid packs a 1, 2, ponch!

NO
Your multi-color woven jute poncho you got from Cancun during spring break many years ago doesn't count. You should have left it on the other side of the Rio Grande.

MAYBE
You have chronic beer belly-itis and you've been wearing black ponchos and smocks to hide your girth. You're ahead of your time.

FILE UNDER "UNDER CONSIDERATION"

Sharskin for Shark Week

In honor of shark week, it's time to promote the rediscovery of the sharkskin suit. This maligned piece of fabric is the victim of ubiquity and deserves its day in court. Because it has a right to testify its side of the fashion story. 

Basically, sharkskin fabric is unique because of its two-toned woven appearance, which gives it that  subtle shine. It's also lightweight and extremely smooth. In the past, these effects were achieved through a basket weaving technique that blends all natural fibers such as a mohair, wool and silk. Needless to say it became a fabric synonymous with wealth. If you watch Mad Men, you know what I'm talking about. But here's a visual cue.

But the development of rayon and acetate in the 60's made sharkskin fabrics even cheaper to produce. This is where the villain of ubiquity pops-in its ugly mass market head and ruins the reputation of the sharkskin suit sending it off to central lock-up. Because it was everywhere from tablecloths, curtains to shirt linings, sharkskin lost its luster.

However, it's making a comeback with a new crop of men who can appreciate quality and craftsmanship. Mad Men is also a hit show with a large fan base. Christopher Bailey of Burberry has done a nifty slim fit version. It's available on their site for about $2K.  If you don't have the chump change to buy this suit, you can always find an affordable version at J.Crew or Banana Republic. I personally like Club Monaco.

YES

This is how you do modern sharkskin. With this suit, you will be the shark others will fear in the courtroom to the boardroom.  

NO

This polyblend sharkskin suit will get you laughed out of the seven seas.

MAYBE

You're a real Shark Week fan and a gray suit is never going to be in your wardrobe repertoire since you're mostly in a wetsuit. See you in the cage.

Brotox: A Bradley Cooper Case Study

Trolling the web for some light reading material, I was caught off guard with how smooth and wrinkle free Bradley Cooper's forehead looked at the recent Guardians of the Galaxy movie premiere.

With a quick Google search, I have found photos of him where he did have forehead wrinkles. So this seemed like an interesting change for him. And I wholeheartedly support his obvious Brotox.

Why do women get all the fun with plastic surgery? Men can get probed, poked, pulled and lasered too. It's about equal rights and equal access to the best plastic surgeons LA has to offer.

I'm not paid to be in front of a camera and I feel the need to look into my options as I get older. It starts with a dye job and then all of a sudden, I have so much poison in my face that I could be a weapon of mass destruction. People who say that they want to grow old gracefully are below average-looking people with highly developed self-esteems. I'm not the Dalai Lama seeking enlightenment. I'm an average guy who wants to grow old gracefully with as much help as possible.

YES
Plastic surgery for men is okay as long as you don't go overboard. Always consult with a doctor who's worked with a face that looks like it hasn't had any work done. That's the only pair of hands that you allow to touch you.

NO
John Travolta, Bruce Jenner and Kenny Rogers are not good role models for surgery.

MAYBE
You're 80 years old and it's too late for you to have surgery. Because there's no point in remodeling. Just live off the rest of your life with your charms.

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

 In honor of the summer season, I'd like to shine a spotlight on manscaping. Since I don't have body hair of my own to practice on, I figured I'd look to the experts of YouTube. I found several porn-like videos of real men shaving the fuzz. But Gilette's video of a guy with a nipple and 5 pieces of chest hair was the most amusing to watch. 

I imagine that not having chest hair in the summer means that you can wear a light knit or t-shirt without the curly-q chest pubes poking out of your mercerized cotton. It also throws me off when you see a guy with a tank top and there's a toupee sitting right below his collar bone. I'm lucky to have chest propecia.  

YES

Manscapping is all about the children. You don't want them to get the impression that back hair is okay. Shave away for the kids.

NO

It doesn't actually cool you off more. But it does show off your muscle tone and you've worked so hard all winter for this. It's your moment. Own it my friend.

MAYBE

You want to go the extra step and get your pedicure done too. God bless you! You're my hero.

File Under Watch Out

How to Dress Like a Baby Daddy

When it comes to celebrities whose personal sense of style I look up to, I always go back to Ryan Gosling--soon to be the baby-daddy to Eva Mendes half Latina beauty baby.

The Pitt-Jolie clan should be relieved since the Gosling-Mendes hybrids will surely overshadow the former's mix batch of children.

It also doesn't hurt that Ryan G has never made a fashion misstep. His girlfriend could take notes from him because she's had some major fashion fails. Ryan is fashion perfection.

See here, here and here for examples

He makes it all look so simple and natural. Even when he wore a pajama shirt with white pants at Cannes, I realized that I've been missing out on the Sealy Posture Pedic Serta Couture look. And for that I have to thank him.

It will be interesting to see how he will dress for the baby. I don't care what he dresses the baby in, but Ryan can curate my closet any day.

YES
Be just like Ryan and keep it simple, keep it tailored, and accessorize with class...read quality accessories such as well-made loafers and a baby-proof sport watch to finish your look.

NO
A designer baby buggy doesn't make an outfit. But a luxury baby-daddy bag by Bottega Veneta (like their Marco Polo tote) could work.

MAYBE
You're infertile or you've been fixed by a human veterinarian. That's still no excuse. You can still take style inspirations from Ryan Gosling. He's everything I want to be when I grow up.

I Love a Good 3-Way

And by 3-way I mean Vans x Supreme x Comme des Garcons.

Obviously, these shoes already sold out as soon as I discovered them. But I can still appreciate how amazing they look. because they've taken a classic design, made it awesome and then made them exclusively cool.

It's no easy feat to make something so simple and iconic into something else. These shoes have accomplished a rare feat.

YES
It's the double rainbow of fashion happiness; and somewhere out there leprechauns are freaking out about these shoes.

NO
You don't have to be a skater to enjoy this collab. You just have to be able to appreciate sneaks--the poor man's watch collection.

MAYBE
You were lucky enough to buy a pair of these when they came out. Or you bought them on e-bay for 3x the price they were sold for originally. No judgements here. Spend your money however you want. It beats being a drug addict.

That's the Magic of Fashion

Katie Eary is my hero. Her fall winter 2014 men's collection is crazy wonderful. It's like an acid trip through Disneyland with Satan.

It's kooky in a good way because it's entertaining to look at. The twisted hair tipped to look like Satan's quaff makes a great statement about how fashion is the devil. If that's the case, then take me straight to Hades because I have the outfits. 

But if you take Katie's pieces apart and mix the graphic button up with regular basics like a black pair of jeans it would actually look decent. Or pair the printed pants with a simple white t-shirt and it could work in real life either as Kanye performing on stage or watching him from the crowd. The devil is in the details. 

Even the mouse helmet works with a black tuxedo and white gloves. I mean, that's the true magic of Disney. But be warned that a Tinkerbell might follow you around.

But seriously. Her designs are original and interesting. Now, I have to find a store where I can see the clothes in person since photographs are the best liars. They might look good on a computer screen but feel like sandpaper when you actually touch the garment. 

YES

Screw the Disney Princesses and their billion dollar profits. The mouse is where it's at.

NO

You don't need to wear the look head to toe to make it work.

MAYBE

You're just like me and getting bored with the gym luxe looks that everyone's been rocking and ready to move on to something new and different. Like Jay-Z says, we're on to the next one.

My Kind of Ambien

Since the Valentino men's spring 2015 collection is still fresh on my mind and I want to look like a young ethnic Heff w/o the Playmates, these two Marc by Marc Jacob pieces on www.thecorner.com caught my eye.

YES
They are on-sale and it's a good way to wear a trend now versus waiting til spring 2015. This is the secret of a fashion hoarder.

NO
Your real pajamas really aren't the same. The cuts are different. So if you insist, then take your luxury pajama to your tailor and have it taken in so that it looks more tailored and meant for the streets and not your Serta.

MAYBE
You're Julian Schnabel and you can do whatever you want.

File under "Under Consideration."

I'm Bananas for Pajamas

I've been a big fan of Julian Schnabel not for his movies, art or pink mansion (aka Chupi) in the West Village of New York.

But I admire him most for his foresight in making luxury pajamas acceptable day and evening wear (see picture for examples).



In the day time, he'll wear his pajamas with sneakers, a blazer and luxury timepiece. For evening, he'll hit the red carpet in the same pajamas and blazer but with slip on dress shoes and an overcoat. He embodies and defines the literal meaning of "rolled out of bed."

Naturally it's easy for him to make this look work with panache since he's wealthy, successful and fortunate enough to never have to deal with the MTA bus, subway or rail.

That's why, when I grow up relatively soon, or about 6 months until the Valentino spring 2015 men's collection (pictured up top) hits the stores, I will try to channel my inner Schnabel to capture that elegant bed head look.

YES
Hugh Hefner is the forefather to Julien's look and it has been updated for the modern man who has to take a subway to work. And I'm quite happy about it and look forward to looking like a working playboy on the N,R, Q trains.

NO
Pajama jeans do not count as luxury lounge wear. So put down the phone and don't place that order even if the second pair comes for free.

MAYBE
You strongly believe that pajamas belong only in the bedroom and not on the red carpet, the Metropolitan Opera House or the office. I respect that, but don't judge me when you see me at Whole Foods.

I Dream of Barrett...Neil Barrett

I've never signed up for Match.com, ChristianMingle or OKCupid.

But if I did, I'm pretty sure that my perfect match would be Neil Barrett's men's spring 2015 collection. I mean what's there not to like about it. Neil Barrett's looks for spring are the perfect catch.  The pants look casual enough for long romantic walks on the beach. The zippers on the side of the shirts shows an ability to be flexible. Plus, I like how the collection doesn't try too hard. It's everything I've ever dreamed of in a perfect wardrobe.

I think we may be in love. And come spring, there might be a marriage between this collection and my closet.

YES
Sometimes an algorithm can be so right. I mean, 1/3rd of married couples in the U.S. meet online. Neil's spring collection and I are just another example.

NO
You don't have to put a ring on the first collection that gets you excited. You have to be sure it's right for both of you.

MAYBE
Religion is important to you. I'm pretty sure that these cotton pants are kosher and halal. Baptism optional.

Man Crushing; Street Style

YES
This guy's outfit is everything...from his grandma's purse, the polka dot sneakers, the loose-fitting tee and those pants. I would mug him on the street just to have those freaking pants.

NO
There's nothing about this look that needs to changed. This is man crushing at its finest.

MAYBE
He's my fashion soul mate. If only I were single. If only he were 2 sizes smaller. If only.

Don't Call It a Comeback

Donatella Versace, you sexy little minx, you've got me trolling the web for your designs like a pubescent boy looks for porn (e.g. it's easy).

Ever since Gianni died, the Versace label lost its luster. You never hear men on the red carpet say, "oh, I'm wearing Versace." Even rappers have moved on from the label.

But these medusa pieces are incredible. It's the right balance of flashy and substance. The Versace man demands to be looked at but do not want to be stared and glared at, which the classic Gianni pieces used to do. Those silk print shirts were a desperate cry for attention.

With a depressed economy that hasn't fully recovered, less truly is more. And it seems that after years of not listening, Donatella has gotten the memo.

YES
Donatella, you are back girl. Don't f it up. You're only as good as your last collection.

NO
If you're Easter European or Chinese, then Versace has never really fell off your radar. You will rock gold studs and medallions til the day you die. Rock on.

MAYBE
The economy will rebound and then some and the classic Gianni silk shirts will make a comeback. I hope so because I have a few in reserve.

Don't Mesh with Me

Opening Ceremony, you did it again.

You've created a spectacular collection for Spring/Summer 2015 that makes me want to open my wallet and spend my money on a bomber jacket with side mesh panels and long yellow stripes running down the sleeves.

Screw my 401K. This is a lifelong fashion investment.

Men toy with the idea of mesh, but haven't fully committed to it because it draws on vanity. And that's for pretty gays, body builders and slutty women. But the recent collection of men's ready to wear have shown subtle ways to incorporate mesh into a sleeve or side panel that makes it a palatable material for men. Because at the end of the day, men love fabrics that breathe as much as women do. Nike figured this out a long time ago and has been making tra-billions.

YES
Man up and try on a little mesh. Let your skin breathe a little during the summer.

NO
It's not pretty if you wear mesh and you haven't manscaped your body hair.

MAYBE
You've been meshing around with mesh with your underwear. Does your wife know?

#Obsessed with Michael Carl

YES

Everyone and their fairy godmother loves a bitchy gay

NO

He's not part of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy remake...too soon

MAYBE

Like so many great actors before him, he's just playing a gay caricature to get me to click over and over and over again to watch this highly amusing video. Well played. Your move Chaz Bono.

My Kind of Brand

Everyone is a brand unto themselves.

Let's give thanks to the mother of all brand builders...Jennifer Lopez.

This girl from the block took a mediocre singing voice, basic acting talent and the gift to jiggle where it counts all the way to the bank.

If my ass could launch a clothing line, guarantee an 8 million dollar a year seat on a nationally televised show and still defy gravity in my 40's then I would shake my bon bon up and down Hollywood boulevard until it cemented a place in the walk of fame...wait, I think she did that too.

But everyone is now a brand. Even the once innocent and quiet street style photographer (the Sartorialist) and the blogger without a social life (Bryan Boy, ManRepeller and StyleBubble) have all become megabrand with a staff, a stylist and an agent. They'll sell anything if the price is right. They have to. With so many copycat blogs popping up every other minute, they have to make the Benjamins while the iron is still hot on their Google search.

Because at the end of the day, we are all a bunch of Jenny's from the block waiting for our pay-offs. Some people say that they really love what they do. But the money helps you to love it a little more than before.

YES
Let's all thank J-Lo for teaching us that you can brand anything even if your talent is mediocre. I'm pointing all fingers at you Kim Kardashian. Before your ass launched a thousand branding initiatives, JLo did it first. Give her a shout out.

NO
You don't need an ass to brand yourself. I do it all the time. It's easy. Just take a permanent marker and put your name or self-designed logo on everything. This morning, I did just that on my Starbucks.

MAYBE
You are Coca-Cola and you're pissed that your brand has bottomed out literally. You're burnt out from all the different ways you've tried to resell yourself to America. There was Coke Zero, Clear Coke, Cherry Coke and Coke 1, 2, 3 and infinity. Sorry I'm not not sorry. I'm into Smartwater.

Trendspotting: The Elegant Schlub

I blame the freelance economy and white collar guilt.

Bankers and financiers who still feel guilty about creating the Great Recession have moved the needle forward on the elegant schlub movement. It's the put together disheveled look that most men wear when they're not at work. You can spot them everywhere. They look like they are going to the world's most expensive gym, where no one works out and only go to stare at themselves in the mirror.

But the irony is that the elegant schlub pieces still cost more than most average Americans can afford. That sweatshirt is a $300 Kenzo worn with a $200 Alexander Wang sweat pant and finished off with a $500 Givenchy slip on made of boiled Mongolian cashmere. Don't get me started on the $5,000 automatic sport watch that will never be used for an actual sport.

Women should also take on some of the blame for allowing men to look like they put less effort in their appearance than a nun with a bad habit. Maybe women allow guys to look like well-off homeless people because the male peacock threatened their domain of being the prettiest in the relationship.

Tech entrepreneurs who look like they should be bagging groceries at the local Publix grocery store, but have the bank accounts of 19th century robber barons are also to blame. Because everyone knows that it's not how good looking you are or how large your male phallus is that counts. It's the size of your bank account that makes anyone sexy.

So as I troll through all of the men's collections coming out of London, I foresee another four years of stretch pants made of spun gold.

YES
This trend too shall pass in the same way that popped polo collars, trucker hats and Ed Hardy met their deaths; a hot male celebrity or athlete who men look up to will change the game. Can't wait.

NO
I'm not a hater. I own a pair of cashmere Burberry sweat shorts, which I will never wear to work out on a treadmill. The damn things are soft and comfortable. Women have fat clothes...why can't men?

MAYBE
Belt loops and belts will evolve out of fashion like fedoras and bell bottom pants. With the obesity epidemic in America getting worse, I think everyone will save their egos and just get rid of waistline-constricting belts all together.

Good Enough to Print

In a world that's always connected to the wall so that it can televise, print, scan, brew, and microwave from a single app, it is rarely silent. New mobile devices and wearable technologies have even ruined the quietude of the national park with every click, text, and streaming video pointed directly to the social media sky just beyond the top of the Grand Tetons.

With life and all of its distractions, it's no surprise that prints have blown up in such a big way during this warm-weather season. Because our clothes have to be loud too. Sneakers not meant for running are made of metallic pythons and super reflective neon that even color-blind dogs can identify as fluorescent pink.

All of life's distractions have alienated people. So when they do have to interact in the real world, they need "statement pieces" to make every moment count.

So make that print count.

YES
One print or statement piece is all you need for Instagram. Wearing a print from head-to-toe is one way to look like walking wallpaper. I like to wear tone on tone. This means, I will wear a navy blue floral shirt with a navy suit. Keeps it simple but interesting.

NO
Prints don't have to be on the outside. If you're shy, you can try it in small doses as the inside lining of your coat or as trim on your cuffs or collar.

MAYBE
You think prints are for sissies. And you're a man! This is all fine and dandy, but just remember that cammo counts as a print.

Die #Normcore Die!

Fashion is over itself.

It's so bored with being challenged with new proportions, hem lines, rounded shoulders, beading, zippers, magic velcro and asymmetrical bias non-bias cuts that it has adapted the looks of the normal people as the trend of the moment.

It's called normcore and sartorially defined by a man wearing a bespoke suit with designer sneakers. A woman in her chic Celine sac dress paired with Givenchy Birkenstocks also falls under the term. It's the new ugly beautiful.

Imagine the cast of Seinfeld glorified to Chanel status...who produced its own version of Haute Couture normcore sneakers, which cost as much as Seinfeld's NYC apartment with a waiting list to boot.

I've been a fan of the normcore movement until it's reached this current tipping point of mass saturation. Now every 5th grader with a credit card and kid's version of the Kenzo sweatshirt is normcore. The luster has faded.

YES
If you're tired of being challenged by fashion. Then ride this normcore wave as hard and long as possible. Because when it crashes, you're going to look as exciting like a tired episode of Seinfeld.

NO
Normcore and looking sexy is not possible.  A slutty tank top with tight fitting sweatpants just doesn't work...not even at the Mall of America food court.

MAYBE
Alexander McQueen's reincarnation will come to the scene already and make everyone dream again.

I Share therefore I Am

Privacy isn't sexy. If you can snap a picture of your privates and Tweet it, pin it, post it, regram, vine, snapchat or spam what your mama gave you to your friends, fans and followers, then why wouldn't you? That's what technology is for isn't it?

Steve Jobs spent his formative years developing the equipment to help humanity unleash its inner exhibitionist.

If I'm not confronted by a celebrity dick pick, nip slip or not-so-shocking sex tape on a daily basis, then I would be lost and confused.

And in a society where our values are based on Hollywood morality, we're all encouraged to show it all off by every means possible. Over sharing your life through all of the ways that our phones, laptops, apps and wearable tech enables us to do so is very tiring.

Maintaining a 24/7 social media persona is nearly impossible. Even those who started out with an innocent blog have developed into mini-dotcomglomerates. Bloggers have agents, publicity teams and an assistant with an assistant in their lives now.

It's not all negative.

The upside of oversharing is the ability to communicate in quick and simple terms. There's no longer a need to explain over and over again how I got drunk last night and passed out on the sidewalk on the corner of 23rd and 3rd to all of my friends across the world. All they have to do is to just look at my friend's Instagram feed, where he tagged me and my vomit in a photo before helping my drunk ass get home.

Through our oversharing, we've also learned to hone our skills to judge quickly and efficiently. Social media allows us to get a LinkedIn bio of a person who's about to join our work team, an idea of what they look like on Facebook, and a sense of what their lives are like based on their Instagram and Pinterest boards. Some apps even give you a preview of their privates and sexual predilections to help you decide if you're a match or not. This alone saves you three months of heavy petting and boring uneventful dates.

Heck, technology also accounts for more couples falling in love, getting married and consciously uncouple all through Skype. That has to count for something.

We're all getting closer together one device at a time.

YES
Narcissism in small doses can be healthy and lead to long careers in television that leads to marrying a semi-talented rapper.

NO
Narcissism in large doses is obnoxious. And because of this, it is socially acceptable for me to hate you on the message boards.

MAYBE
You don't own a mirror or any smart devices. Good for you. We will never cross paths.

It's Google's Fault

I blame the internet.

It's the reason why people have evolved into an insatiable lot. They just can't be satisfied. A regular coffee is no longer good enough. Because based on a Google search, beans pooped by a civet cat deep in the jungles of Indonesia provide the best sip of java on these lips. Everything else tastes like shit except for the defecated beans of this wondrous feline and its digestive track.

Likewise, chicken is no longer poultry. It is free range, organic and has its own Twitter feed promoting its hormone free life with selfies taken from the farm. How adorable. Now get in my stir fry where I will bathe you with the best oyster sauce, courtesy of Fresh Direct.

Because all of the data that's available on the click of the mouse has made everyone a know-it-all and in turn has made everyone a connoisseur . Even if you don't know what you want, there's an app for that.

The desire to have the best in everything has permeated all facets of life from the organic cotton your underwear is made of to the all-natural conflict free sugar cookie you're eating in your recycled-authentic Eames chair.

Even the poor rich has to work harder to keep ahead of the Jonses, Diddys and Kardashians. Each time they think they've cornered exclusivity, the other have caught up based on an RSS feed from the Fabulous Life of the Insanely Rich and Quasi-Famous.

This is probably how tulip fever started in the Netherlands.

YES
Consumerism is like a video game. Once you level up and defeat the dragon to move up to the next level, you're back to square one to do it over and over again until you either conquer the game to save the princess in the castle or you die along the way. Fin!

NO
Life isn't all about things; and I do prefer to get my things at a well-organized store rather than waiting in a well-organized line for the one meat of the day. No thank you North Korea. But when do we say enough is enough?

MAYBE 
This is just proof that knowledge is power, which can also be a dangerous thing.

Sucker for Gender Benders

Looking through the left over clothes lingering from the winter 2013 collection on some shopping sites, I realize how happy I am to have broken up with winter. Just wish that spring would move in permanently.

But the winter clearance bins of the virtual world led me to this intriguing piece from OAK NYC. Not only is it sold out (now), but it also made me think of the man, woman or transgendered person who bought it.

It really could go in any way. The design is blah and looks like something my grandmother wore in a 1950's photo. But it struck me that men and women are dressing more and more alike. Kanye is wearing Celine for women and girls who have never rode motorcycle or have a desire to ride a Harley are sporting Frye and biker jackets like they're members of the fashionable version of Hell's Angels.

I have no strong opinions about gender bending fashion. Just wanted to point out the obvious that today's clearance rack is tomorrow's trend.

YES
The designer Rad Hourani may be right after all in creating unisex seasonless clothing.

NO
This piece doesn't do anyone any favors...men, women animals etc. If you want a gender neutral fashion piece, then start with a cardigan, slowly evolve to a sheer dress shirt/blouse and then fully transition with a cape.

MAYBE
One day, we're all going to be Chaz Bono...if only we were to be so lucky. I mean, Cher as a mom sounds like fun.

Trendspotting: Beam Me Up to Planet Comme Des Garcons

Rei Kawakubo, you sexy minx, you totally get me!

YES
It's the future of fashion. Asymmetrical hems with a dash of color blocking can make a world of difference. It's fashion forward without crossing gender lines. That's the future of men's style.

NO
You don't need to be enlisted by the Enterprise to pull off this intriguing new shape. At the end of the day, it's just a long sleeve t-shirt with a funky hem. If the disparate colors throw you off, then get a monochromatic version.

MAYBE
You're a self-identified "normcore" fanatic--where normal looking clothes is considered fashionable--and prefer to stay within the confines of the fashion box. It's a judgement free zone on this blog, so I'll see you at JCrew.

Trendspotting: Making a Cameo Appearance

Amedeo Cameo Rings

When it comes to men's accessory trends, there have been several memorable moments. There was the pinky ring. And then two  years ago it was the Buddhist prayer beads and pocket squares. Last year it was the fisherman's hook bracelet and tie bars. And this year it's the leather wrap bracelet.

I'm here to say that I've done it all and I'm totally over everything.

The only bracelet, I choose to wear now is my Miansai rose gold bracelet that makes me think of slave shackles. That's right...slavery. But since I only wear it on one wrist, I feel liberated whenever I wear it. There are no cotton fields in sight for this organic cotton loving brown person. But I'm definitely down for southern comfort food any day. If the Klu Klux Klan had a picnic where they had Popeye's fried chicken and biscuits, I would strongly consider going if I didn't fear being the after party piñata.

But just as I had sworn off all other jewelry trends, I discover Amedeo's beautiful and modern cameo jewelry.

They remind me of the Wedgwood pieces my mother used to collect. In fact, during my last visit to my parents in Naples, we went to Pompeii where they had a large market selling cameo jewelry outside the ruins. I've always thought cameos were beautiful since they were the original selfie. But most of the jewelry that they sold at the market looked cheap and too dainty.

Amedeo's take on the cameo combines modernity with his classical training in southern Italy. They truly are works of art since each piece is handmade. The tricky thing about cameos is that they each have to be made by hand to size it correctly for a setting. This gives each piece a personality, making the jewelry feel like an automatic heirloom. It's something you know that you can wear and enjoy now; and it will be a piece your child will also enjoy later on in the future.

YES
Start a jewelry collection that has meaning. I'm going to save up for the monkeys or the skull. My heirs are going to be bad ass philosophers. Fingers crossed.

NO
If you have a cameo piece that you've inherited from someone in your family, then you don't need this. Your job is to enjoy and take care of what's been passed on to you and for you to pay it forward.

MAYBE
You saw that Amedeo does a cheap version of this cameo jewelry on HSN. There's not shame in him making money off the masses. But if you want something worth having and not a passing trend, then it's worth the extra money for the pricier line. Just don't go into credit card debt buying it.

Bawlin for Balmain

It's tears of joy because this Balmain dress shirt is everything.

YES
It's the perfect wrap shirt. If I were a rock star looking to stand out from the other bands, this would be my front man look on center stage.

It also reminds me of my old fencing shirt. And I loved cutting a bitch with my saber.

NO
This is not for a guy who is a little thick in the middle. It will only accentuate your belly.

MAYBE
You want to be an haute couture Jedi knight. This would be the shirt that would get Yoda's approval.

Trendspotting: Optical Illusion Shorts

YES
It's the perfect pair for the guy who doesn't want to be noticed on the beach or in life. If you do wear this out, there's only 2 ways to pull it off successfully.

1. Wear it with a matching top and go full on Versace circa 1993. But don't wear the matching accessories. That's cray weird.

2. Wear it with a plain black or white shirt because finding the accent color to match ain't that easy. You can try, but you will undoubtedly fail.

NO
You don't need these snazzy shorts to enjoy the summer. But wearing a pair of these would definitely require major cojones and/or self-esteem and/or a yacht where you can wear whatever you want...because you're on a yacht.

MAYBE
You look like tan mom, honey boo-boo's dad or Carrot Top the comedian. In that case, anything to draw attention away from your face is warranted. Get two pairs of these shorts immediately. Do it for the children.

Kimye Lifestyle is in Vogue

So this happened this week and it's caused quite a kefuffle in the media, which leads me to believe that...

YES
It's a slow news week in the world. This couple's ability to draw continued media attention is a combination of part luck multiplied by the lack of real news in the world to report.

Who cares about the Obamacare deadline, the odd circumstances of the Malaysian airlines situation or the fact that Ukrainian women are boycotting sex with Russians because of the Crimea situation. Let's talk about an egotistical rapper and the woman who invented selfies.

If they are the true reflection of the world around us, then what I've learned is that as a society we are not that interesting. because at the end of the day, even real news bore us.

NO
I'm not a hater of the Kimye. They don't do anything for me, but I can see how they appeal to people. He sometimes makes good music and she sometimes looks pretty. As for the picture, it's underwhelming. I'm more interested in reading the profile.

MAYBE
Anna Wintour just wants to remind us that she's the smartest woman in the world by putting them on the cover. Because you know you can't stop talking about it...looking at you Billy Bush of Access Hollywood.

Daddy, I Want an Oompa Loompa!

Balenciaga Fall 2014

I'm kind of speechless.

This Balenciaga Fall 2014 look is everything. It's monochromatic, tailored to heavenly perfection, simple yet interesting.

Aside from the model's starved in the eye look and asymmetrical haircut, I would cut a waiting list to get my greedy little hands on all of it, just like Veruca Salt--of Willy Wonka fame.

This is how I want to dress now for the Polar Vortex!

But I have to wait 9 months to see it in stores. By then, I will have already moved on to something else or bought the Zara knock off.

In a digital age of immediate satisfaction, I wish it were the future. And with so many designers testing the waters of Real Time Fashion, those factories in China are in over drive. 

YES
I should learn how to sew.

NO
This is not the new funeral dress garb. But it would be amazing if it were.

MAYBE
I should listen to the Suze Orman voice in my head and make a look like this happen for me right now by shopping my closet. But where's the fun in that?

Don't Sweat It, It's Ok

It (the sweatpants) is a reflection of how much value our society has placed on comfort. This also goes for the ubiquity of the sneakers.

To make these mainstays acceptable outside of the locker room, designers have made fancier $800 versions of the lazy fat man's wardrobe staples. Sweatpants are narrower and made of fabrics you wouldn't want to sweat in…like these leather Zanerobe pants. And sneakers are now trimmed with python that come in colors that only come alive if you turn off the all the lights.

You know it's bad when the trend even shows up on European runways. Remember that they were the last people on earth to jump on the shorts and jeans bandwagon. If it wasn't for American sportswear, they would still be wearing lederhosen and wooden shoes to the discotec.

I'm so proud to be an American, a country that has matching pants for its all you can eat buffets. It's so easy to pair them with the sneakers that will never see the inside of a gym. But never pay too much for something you can buy at Champs or the Sports Authority. If you want a tailored look, then take the $50 Nike sweatpants to a tailor and pay the $20 to have it taken in at the thighs. As for those fancy sneakers, I support paying a lot for them. Just don't kill anyone for them.

Remember that Frankie says relax.

YES
The Adam Sandler look is having a fashion moment.

NO
You cannot wear fancy sweatpants to work for casual Friday. But Lord knows I'm going to try to pull it off by wearing it with a white dress shirt and blazer.

MAYBE
You play in the NBA, NFL, MLB, NHL, NRA, NAACP, and WKRP in Cincinnati and you are over sweats because that's your office uniform. Put a tie on it to mix it up at work.

The Poor Man's Tuxedo

Novelty t-shirts probably started as a costume for children that has evolved for the man-child--that our culture tolerates today as acceptable.

It's true that most every guy I know has owned something like this during his life…either forced upon him by his mother or as a joke for Halloween/80's-themed costume.

My last shirt was probably from my days as a raver. But that was a long time ago.

YES
Say hasta la vista to your little friend the novelty t-shirt. It should only be taken out as a prop for a gag photo but not worn for real life.

NO
Being a nerd, doesn't give you a pass for this shirt.

MAYBE
You make your living off designing these shirts. Can you at least trompe l'oeil the matching tuxedo sweatpants? Because together it's fashion. Separately, it's sad.