A Man's Guide to Tattoos

I'm not one to judge the design of a man's tattoo since to each his own. So I don't care if you have a tribal tattoo, a cartoon one, or an exoskeleton like Zombie Boy here.

But where you place the damn thing is another story. Also, how you take care of it is something I can speak to since I have a man's tramp stamp (see #2) of my own.

Here are the basics.

1. PLACEMENT: Visible tattoos should only be on men who don't have office jobs. This goes for the neck tattoo and the tear drop eye markings--which is apparently a way of showing how many men you've killed. Guess this is useful information for prison. The type of guy who usually has a neck tattoo with his name, his mom's image or a cross larger than the kind you found in Israel during Roman times probably works in an auto body shop, pawn shop or biker shop (see all of the Discovery Channel shows), a band or a barista at Starbucks.

2. MAN'S TRAMP STAMP: Any tattoo placed on the pelvic area of a man that's right above his junk is the male equivalent to a woman's tramp stamp (a tattoo placed on the lower back above the ass crack). It says gay--just like me. It also implies that you're probably a man-whore...not that there's anything wrong with that. More power to your pelvis like Elvis.

3. UPKEEP: Okay, so the real reason I decided to put a tattoo on my pelvis is to keep my body in check. There's nothing sadder than seeing a stretched out tattoo with stretch marks cutting through the original ink. Placing mine on my waist line ensured a lifetime of ab workouts to keep it in check. Pilates is my preferred way to keep it tight. But this goes for all tattoos. Don't let them get stretched out or droop over time. Hit the gym and always apply sunscreen on the area to keep the ink from fading.

3. THINK IT THROUGH: Try to think a tattoo through before you get it. Ideally, you'd research the ink shop, get recommendations from guys who have tattoos you really like or read Yelp reviews. Names of people outside your immediate family is a recipe for disaster along with getting a tattoo while under the influence.

YES
Tattoos are on everyone and not as dangerous as they used to be. But it's just another ancient form of body decoration. Channel your inner Martha Stewart and decorate away.

NO
Having a tattoo doesn't make you sexy or cool. It just means you have nothing better to do with your time, money or body.

MAYBE
You're more into piercings. If that's the case, I'm not the guy to get advice from.