Hating on Neoprene

Dear Details,

With regards to your recent post about the technical wonderment that is neoprene, please note that you omitted one crucial fact about the fabric.

IT DOESN'T BREATHE!

Sure I oohed and aahed at the thought of neoprene until I tried it on. The damn thing is stiff and provides no air whatsoever to circulate around your body. It was like being inside a hot pocket snack.

YES
Maybe I judged it too quickly and need to try another version that has ventilation designed into the piece to allow your skin to breathe. Until then, I'm not a fan.

NO
Just because the fabric was developed for surfers, I advise that you don't wear this to go in the water. Most surfers aren't the brightest light bulbs on the Christmas tree.

MAYBE 
You're one of those guys who thinks it looks cool to wear your winter coat open. Then, this is for you. This also applies for any guy who has some kinky secret basement with props. You can add this as your high-fashion piece in your gimp collection.

TRENDSPOTTING: Fedora Meets Trapper Hat

This Borsalino creation is crazy, awkward and totally fashionable. If the price wasn't cost prohibitive, I would jump on this accessory like a fat kid eats cake.

YES: It's Elmer Fudd meets Dick Tracy or Duck Dynasty meets Bruno Mars.

NO: You can't wear this to dinner or to go hiking in the woods…or can you?

MAYBE: You already have a trapper hat and a fedora and can make this on your own. If you do, tell me how much and where I can buy it.

I am Mr. Rogers

But I don't want to be your neighbor. I don't want to show you how toothbrushes are made or where milk comes from. But I do want to kick Mr. Kangaroos pouch carrying ass across Candyland any day.

As a child who watched reruns of Mr. Rogers triple G-rated shows, I developed an unhealthy affection for cardigans. Plus my grandfather who wore one everyday gave me my first one. It was itchy, it was beige, it was a size too large and it was perfect. I too wore it everyday until a filthy insect made lunch out of it.

Today, it has become a wardrobe staple in my closet and I own at least 10 variations of a cardigan. I even own a laser cut, perforated leather version.

YES
I'm obviously obsessed with cardigans because of an emotional connection

NO
Hoodies are not the same. Perhaps Pewee Herman is your guy and you prefer bow ties. It goes with a cardigan.

MAYBE
You grew up watching Teletubbies and you're more into women's purses.

Reality Bites...until

Reality bites until you find the perfect red plaid shirt!

Having grown up in the nineties, the red plaid shirt was emblematic of a generation who raged against the machine and traded in their Smuckers for Pearl Jam. The sounds of the decade evolved from over indulgent hair metal transvestites to melancholic Seattle garage bands, who were borderline bipolar skaters producing moody new sounds that questioned society.

With no jobs to dress up for, many of the disenfranchised youths just hung out in their regular clothes including the red plaid shirt.

Growing up in tropical climates, I remember buying my own shirt at a Goodwill store just like everyone else. Best 99 cents I ever spent. But a flannel shirt in the tropics was a no go. It's hard to look cool when you're sweating bullets at the beach. So it didn't stay in the closet very long. No wonder someone donated it to the Goodwill. But I've always imagined being reunited with the perfect red plaid shirt.

YES
It finally happened and it's all due to Hedi Slimane. His love for the same 90's era has produced a grunge collection for Saint Laurent (see picture).

And because of his trend-setting power, H&M produced a high-end masstige version of the red plaid shirt. The H&M version is light, breathable and $34.95. It's time to break out that Pearl Jam and relive some memories .

NO
You didn't have to live in the 90's to appreciate a good well-made shirt.


MAYBE
You're a lumberjack and you're over it.

Instagramatically Correct?

YES
Oscar Von Wild  is now on Instagram and relaunching the Wear Me Out Section. Here's one my recent posts where I mix gingham, pink polka dot tie and plaid baseball jacket. Who does such craziness? Oscar does.


NO
I won't go all Anthony Weiner and post d*ck pics unless it will help me show the sexy benefits of drop crotch pants.


MAYBE
I will also post some intriguing videos about nothing and everything. There's really no wrong or right way for instagramification.

Life Lesson: Avoid Model Sandwiches

YES
This photo teaches us that being the "average person" between two models will never produce a good picture.

NO
This picture wouldn't be better with two male models because they will also make any person in the middle look like Frodo.

MAYBE
This girl is actually a power lesbian and she's got her b*tches on lockdown. #Playa

Best Murses of Fall 2013

I read this week via a blog post on NY.Racked.com that Murses are a $9 Billion industry (Quartz.com).

Having posted and boasted about my love for baggage, this spurred me to round up the best bags of the current season that I personally think are great investments that will get you your money's worth. I picked these bags based on the criteria of design, weight and ability to be worn for years on end.

The last thing a man needs is a trendy bag. Leave the "It Bag" insanity to the women. So here is my short list with a brief explanation from left to right:

Best Backpack / 3.1 Philip Lim:  It's cool without being too junior (i.e. Jansport). This would look great with a gray suit at the office or with a sweat suit at SoulCycle. The buckles on the shoulder straps and the outside zipper pocket provides enough interesting detail in the bag to make it stand out without making it scream for attention (Miley Cyrus).

Best Duffle Bag / Prada:  I own this bag and it's personally the best thing I ever bought for traveling. I can hand carry it or put it on my shoulder. It has a side zipper for my boarding pass and essentials. Plus it's made of light weight fabric and has a malleable shape that allows me to pack as much crap as possible...while still managing to squeeze it in to any sized overhead compartments.

Best Briefcase / Hugo Boss:  This bag works for a corporate tax attorney as well as for a non-profit office manager. It's simple in design but has plenty of room and compartments inside for organizing papers and a laptop. The outside pocket provides easy access to commuter essentials like a metro card, tablet and old fashioned newspapers. This bag shows them who's the boss (you are) without trying too hard.

Best Messenger / Balenciaga:  Again, there are two versions of Balenciaga messenger bags sitting in my closet. It's because the leather is light, durable and easy to dress up or down. That's why I typically travel with one. It's nondescript because it doesn't have a logo even though inside holds my travel guide, subway map, bottled water and stash of euros. Now you know and knowing's half the battle.

Best Portfolio / Gucci:  Okay, I like this portfolio because it comes with a wrist chain. It reminds me of the scene in Ocean's 11 when the guy gets out of the limo and he's handcuffed to his briefcase. I enjoyed the irony of being literally tied to your work. This just made me think of it. Overall, portfolios should be simple. I just prefer mine to be a little tricked out.

Best Tote Bag / Saint Laurent:  Because it's reversible, this bag automatically wins. I mean, aside from the fact that it's roomy, weighs less than an Olsen twin and has a smooth suede side, it is also easy on the eyes. For the guy who needs to carry his life in his bag every day of his life, this bag is made for you. It even gives you options. Who doesn't like options?

YES: These are just suggestions. Make up your own damn mind what you like. I am not your mama.

NO: Having a bag doesn't make you stylish. It can create muscles as well as make other muscles sore from carrying one.

MAYBE: You live in a virtual world where you never have to carry a bag. With your Google Glass and smart watch, you've evolved to a better future. In this case, please review my post about my new favorite sunglasses case for your Google Glass.  Click Here.

Watch Out: Avicii Wake Me Up Video

 Just watched this music video (which seems to be sponsored, cast and directed by Ralph Lauren's Denim & Supply brand). What struck me as funny is that the video is a simple story about a beautiful young woman with a girl who's probably a younger sister. They both have a pair of triangles tattooed on their arms. 

As they walked through town styled in head to toe RL Denim & Supply, the townspeople gawked at them and gave judgmental looks. The little girl asks "why do they hate us?" The older of the pair doesn't have an answer but manages to find the camera light perfectly to pout. She then rides a horse under a bridge to the fashion district of a quiet city. There she finds another gorgeous model looking woman who has the same triangle tattoo on her shoulder. The pair of models strut off to an Avicii open air night concert skipping any possible meals--with the exception of that ecstasy pill. They danced the night away and the leading model went back home to collect her underage model sister so that she can also discover the ecstasy of partying with other models.

YES

Models can be persecuted for their beauty. They can find refuge in each other until the casting agent calls. Then it's all out model civil war.

NO

The video didn't make me want to wear RL Denim & Supply jeans any less than I did before watching this far-fetched video. Kind of feel embarrassed for them.

MAYBE

Avicii has a model girlfriend he promised to make a video star...and he most certainly did. 

File under WATCH OUT

Hating on Bikini Jeans

YES
Coming to a gay pride parade and stripper rodeo near you.

NO
These aren't acceptable for casual Fridays. Put a shirt on it then we'll talk.

MAYBE
You really think this completes your nipple ring (not included)

Picture Perfect as Dorian Gray

I've entered a new phase. Last year was all about succumbing to my earned right as a New Yorker to be cloaked in black from head to toe twenty-four seven. Some people age gracefully and accept the middle-aged spread, but I decided to dress in morbid black to mourn the passing of my youth.

Not having made a deal with the devil to keep me looking young forever, I've had to figure out other ways to cope with the graying hair, the loosening skin and the constant fatigue. But in my dip into the dark side, I learned that I'm not a very good goth guy. I just looked like a professional cater waiter in my head to toe black.

So this fall, I've decided to go to the middle ground. And that middle color is gray. It's a wonderful colorful for maturing men. The same way that beige makes an older woman look more elegant and chic. I've discovered that gray gives a man gravity with a timeless elegance. Even with this Jean Paul Gaultier gray bolero layered on top of a cardigan with matching tie, dress shirt and pant combo, he still looks serious without looking too stupid.

MAYBE
This model does look dumb but I'm too senile to realize it.

NO
If you're still in the mindset that Abercombie & Fitch is high fashion, this post is irrelevant for you. Come back in 15 years.

YES
You also love dressing in monochromatic colors and have realized that wearing all black makes you look like you're part of a bad version of the now cancelled TV show The Sopranos.

CURL UP & DYE!!!

This is typically how I feel when I'm faced with trying to decide what to do with my hair.

If the picture doesn't give it away, I have curly hair. It's the kind that you'd normally find on an All American Girl doll dressed in a prairie gown hitchin' a ride on a wagon. Or you'd find my kind of hair on an 8 year old Shirley Temple tap dancing on the staircase with a happy black man who has nothing better to do than to sing and dance back up to a little girl who's always in trouble and doesn't stop talking cutsie with her lisp.

Based on my run-on sentence, it's obvious that thinking about what to do with my hair is fraught with stress. Bald guys can shave it off or comb it over. Guys with pin straight hair can wear it however they want and will never have problems with hat hair during the winter. But even when I straightened my hair way back when, there was just so much of it that it was much more of a hassle to keep up with it than if I just kept it curly. The only downside is that there are no other ways to style curly hair.

Even after a thorough Google search, very little options popped up. I've narrowed it down to a style reminiscent of a Japanime drawing.

YES
Yu-Gi-Oh is my future. I mean, I have a Jonas brother in my hair vision board.

NO 
I don't have the head or face shape for a shaved head. Wish I did because I'd totally be in to it. No fuss..no muss. Dream hair.

MAYBE
You have an afro and work as a barista where that's totally okay. More power to you! You know I'm jealous.

HATING ON APPLE 5S, C, D, E, I, E, I, OH NO

Even though I was one of the first "early smartphone" adapters starting with iPhone 1 through 5, I decided today that I need to quit the Mac attacks.

Maybe it's the new 5S, 5C also known as C you later. Because I'm totally unimpressed and bored. I mean changing the case and launching it with a new OS is pure marketing b@llsh!t.

Seriously, I got the first iPhone because it was "cool." It made the crackberry seem like an antiquated typewriter from the early 1900s. But Apple's cool factor is evaporating. And this desert misses the rain. Let the ideas pour.

YES
Steve Jobs rest in peace. You took the cool with you.

NO
The Samsung phones aren't any better. They're so big and clunky, it's like having a brick in your pocket.

MAYBE
Apple is just down in the slumps and needs to get its mojo back. Seriously, the developers in Silicone Valley need to get a new medicinal marijuana dealer...erm...dispenser.