Style Resolutions You Can Live By

With 2012 coming to a close, it's the perfect opportunity to make a commitment to better style in the New Year. You deserve it.

It's been a tough year for everyone. The economy continues to suck and we had to endure a bitter election. We learned that 47% of us do not matter but we ended up voting for the same guy anyway. That was a great way to spend millions of dollars with the same results. Next time, I just need a powerpoint presentation from each candidate and I will then pick the guy or girl I'll be voting for. Or it could be set up like the Voice. I will sit in a chair, and the candidate who can make sweet music will get me to turn my chair around.

The sad economy and the lack of discretionary funds may be reason why sweatpants made a big fashion moment in 2012. Even I made a habit out of wearing my T by Alexander Wang sweats out to brunch with friends. Don't judge me, I'm a tea-guzzling, raging Independent. And I paired them with designer sneakers...you know, the kind that will never see the inside of the gym since they cost too much to be worn on a treadmill.

But 2013 is a fresh start. It's a new beginning. Despite the fact that most people only focus on the bad things that happened in the past year (Whitney Houston's death, Hurricane Sandy, shootings by crazies), I like to think that we also had some good things come out of the year. We learned that Koreans have Gangnam Style and The Jersey Shore and all of its crime of fashion will finally come to an end. 

YES 

Try some color even though I'm in my goth phase and men's fashion is also moving to the dark side, I think that the less somber of us should celebrate their personal style in color. Someone should. But try to pick up a black piece or two. You'll thank me by year's end.

Considering that all of the nerves in the body connect to the bottoms of your feet, 2013 is the year we should all invest in better footwear. I've invested in a new pair of Prada sneaker/dress shoe hybrids. It's both black and brown and will undoubtedly be a challenge to pair with the right outfit since there's so much going on my shoes. But who cares, my feet deserve them. While we're on the subject, a pedicure couldn't hurt either especially during flip flop/sandal season. Your girlfriend sincerely thanks you.

Buy a baseball cap and dress it up. IT will be the year of the baseball cap. Think Jay-Z and you might one day be just as cool...okay, you won't.

NO

Retire the Ed Hardy 4Ever or anything that has a tattoo motif. Leave it for the navy guys and just watch that fashion trend sail away...along with Crocs.

The other men's fashion trends to leave in 2012 include
1. Logo sweatshirts (i.e. anything with A&F emblazoned on it); it's the biggest way to say failed frat boy.
2. Watches the size of saucer plates; because we don't have time to think about how small your penis must be because you're compensating with a watch big enough to serve Thanksgiving dinner on
3. Flip flops for city dwellers; they really are for the beach and having to look at dirty feet during the summer is just as gross as having to look at busted toes. To quote the famed YouTube sensation Sweet Brown "Ain't got no time for that!"

MAYBE

You already have your personal style down pat and you don't need to upgrade your look aside from the occasional sock or dirty underwear. I just hope your style isn't stuck in some long forgotten decade, because the New Year is all about celebrating the future. Even if you peaked during your high school days in the 90's, you need to move on. Then again, the 90s is making a fashion comeback...just make sure your clothes fit. 

Countdown to New Year Style

Credit card debt
Weight gain
Empty promises
Family drama
WTF gifts

These are a few of my favorite holiday things. And you have a week before you have another holiday to celebrate.

But what to wear for New Year's Eve if nothing fits because of all the festive eating, drinking and celebrating. Can't say no to a good cup of egg nog. It would be un-American like passing on the pie, cookies and mash potatoes with gravy. And I'm a patriot.

There is the gym, but as everyone knows, it takes weeks to lose the weight but only hours to gain it. Normally, my go to fat outfit is a roomy cable knit sweater that I pair with slim fit jeans and boots. The sweater says winter and the slim jeans still gives the illusion that I'm thin all the way through. Thank goodness I store fat on the sides and not my legs.

YES: If you're going to a dressier party, it's okay to wear a casual suit. Just leave the jacket unbuttoned to let the girth breathe especially if you're not wearing a tie. Use a dark scarf underneath to pull it together and make you slimmer looking (see image for a visual representation of what I'm talking about).

You can also just go simple with flannel and jeans. Leave the shirt untucked. This goes for navy, dark green or burgundy button ups as well.

NO: Stretch pants or an elastic waist band is never an option even if you're celebrating New Year's at home in your mother's basement. And leave the turtleneck at home since it only accentuates the holiday fat you've gathered around your face. Avoid wearing all black. Something about starting the year in funeral garb is kind of morose even for me.

MAYBE: You can just party in Times Square where it's close to freezing, which means no one will see how fat you look in your clothes because you're bundled up in a down coat. And everyone looks fat in a down coat.

Holiday Shopping Guide

Tis the season to celebrate the birth of Jesus (aka Lil Baby J) with drunken egg nog shots and presents.

YES: IT'S A HOLIDAY WRAP
Some basic ideas for getting the right gift this season.
1. THE CAR ENTHUSIAST: Inspired by the Lexus ad on TV with the big bow tied to a sporty SUV? Then give a car if you have the money and parking space. If not, there's always designer key chains. The classic key chain can be bought at Tiffany's for $125, but monogramming will cost you extra.
This gift also applies to:
--Guy you've just started dating and it's getting serious but maybe not
--Your dad, son or the holy spirit
--Anyone who owns a set of keys

2. THE FOODIE: The easiest one to buy for, you can always get them wine, rare delicacies (like coffee pooped by a jungle cat) and expensive kitchen gadgets they'll never use to make them happy. You may need to give them an insulin shot to get them through Christmas dinner, but they look Santa Claus jolly.

This gift also applies to:
--Someone you don't really like but feel compelled to buy something for; and you don't want to spend more than $20 and that's final.
--A Secret Santa pool. Just avoid anything with nuts because just your luck the person who gets it will be allergic and make a big stink about it or accidentally eats it and you know...dies.

3. THE MALE PEACOCK: This guy is tricky and probably picky about the kind of clothes and skincare he uses. To avoid buying a gift card to his favorite store, the best thing to do is to buy something they already own and love but buy it in a different color. If it's a beauty product, just buy them more of it because it saves them the trouble of ordering it online. And if they don't like it, then they'll just return it and you'll never know he did. It's a Charlie Sheen Win Win situation.

This gift also applies to:
--The pain in the ass guy who complains about everything
--My parents

NO: DON'T BE STUPID
On the flip side, here are the gifts that never wins.
1. A TIE: Unless you're 10 or under, this is never appropriate. The holiday pattern only makes it worse.
2. HOLIDAY THEMED ANYTHING: There's a reason that crap goes on clearance at exactly 11:59 PM on Christmas Eve. Even Frosty the Snowman wouldn't wear a sweatshirt with his face on it...and he's naked in the cold.
3. SOMETHING HOMEMADE: Unless you're a skilled artisan (ie you do it for a living) or the gift receiver specifically asked you to make it for them, no one wants your knitted scarf or family's secret chocolate chip cookie recipe or handmade picture frame.

MAYBE
The plausible reasons to avoid gift giving season:
1. RELIGION: You're Jewish, Muslim or a Jehovah's Witness and you don't celebrate Christmas. You get a religious pass from having to endure finding the right gift. But you reap the benefits of the holiday sales.
2. POVERTY: If you don't have the money, you don't have the money. Make a Christmas card and call it a day. --Suze Orman
3. CHARLIE BROWN: You saw the movie on TV along with It's a Wonderful Life and realize that gifts are overrated and something "The Man" pushes on people with their crazy commercialism and consumerism. Lil Baby J got mirrh, incense and gold and that was enough. Period!

Amen to that!

Goth-ica

This is my new Goth Chic look. It's all based on this amazing Rick Owens rain coat I bought recently. To complement the coat, I paired it with a +J button up, black Theory wool pants, black Calvin Klein tie, T by Alexander Wang v-neck sweater, Bikkemberg lace up boots and a Prada backpack.

My friends and co-workers said that I looked like a cast member from the Matrix. That's all right. I believe that it looks cool and new. Life's all about trying new things, even if you're plugged in to the Matrix.

A Man's Little Black Suit (LBS)

Women have the little black dress because its slimming and always appropriate 
for an evening out, a business meeting in the office or an event without a dress code. The LBS is their go to solution to getting dressed for anything and everything

In the same vein, men also have a little black suit which can go from a day in 
court, a Reservoir Dog style group killing or a formal black tie dinner. Just like the ladies, men have several opportunities to wear 
out a black suit. 

With everyone dressed in black, I've been to some parties where it looks more like a funeral home more than a 
lively event. But at the end of the day all of these events aren't for men to be noticed 
but more about the women. The only person who remembers the color of a groom's cummerbund at a wedding is the bride. 

And that's just it. Your wife, partner or whatever it is attached to your arm is the best accessory to have at any event. Whether you're fat, old or 
ugly nothing looks better on a man than a hot date. Hugh Heffner aka the Heff 
knows this truth better than anyone. He's put this into practice since Moses 
brought the 10 commandments down the mountain to us lay folk at the Playboy mansion. 

But I guess that if you can't score a hot date, you can always have a good fitting little 
black suit. 

YES: It's the one thing in your closet you really should spend good money on

NO: Navy is not the same as black

MAYBE: You can get away with a military uniform but there better be medals attached to it  

Happy Slut-o-Ween (aka Halloween)

Halloween is a celebration of a lost childhood. It's reconnecting with the time when you carried a cheap plastic pumpkin pale around your neighborhood collecting candy from your neighbors. It was the purest and simplest form of childhood joy.

But grown-ups are corrupt so adult costumes are borderline obscene. Everything is hyper-sexualized. There's the:

• Sexy nurse
• The slutty nuns with a habit
• Naughty school girl
• Pole dancing Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz strip club

But where's the slutty men? As women inch up in the pay ladder and outpace men in terms of college enrollment, graduation and just about everything else, I think it's time for men to get into the Slut-O-Ween spirit and rock a slutty costume.

Pole greasing fireman
Sleazy sailor
Dirty pirate
Beer sucking vampire
Puts the tool in toolman
Handcuff Harry, your trusted policeman

YES: Get your slut on and you might meet your matching slut at the party
NO: If you're a parent walking your kids around the neighborhood to trick-or-treat
MAYBE: You just keep it in the bedroom where most of these costumes belong

Ethnically Speaking

 

It struck me that today is Columbus Day. Although it's a cause for celebration for the Italian American population across the nation, it's also a day of mourning for the Native Americans.

The history is pretty clear. Europe sucked, Columbus had three boats, got lucky, landed and then plotted to conquer the very same people who welcomed him to the not-so-new-to-them continent. Nothing like waking up the next day and have your house guest turn you into a plantation slave. But I'm not a moralist. I'm a blogger who's fascinated with how cultural identities are still being taken.

Even though designers have no cultural ties to certain African tribes (see image), they happen to take a luxe safari to Africa once; and they just loved how the Masai warriors made a mean knitted sweater/scarf. The kernel of inspiration is what inspired the entire collection. Some of it is truly inspired but most of it just looks out of place especially when a blond blue-eyed Swede from the mountains is trying his best to rock his fiercest Masai warrior. The spray tan helps but is still unconvincing.

The only point I want to make today is that we are ravage consumers who will take what we can if we can do it without punishment. Chanel once tried to make dresses with phrases from the Koran but were quickly threatened with terrorism. But put the ancient print of a Native American tribe onto the latest tote bag and the kids at Opening Ceremony just can't get enough of it.

Okay, my tote bag is from Ralph Lauren.

YES: It's okay to be a hypocrite, just be aware that you are being one
NO: You should limit yourself to only subtle uses of a tribal print or you'll look like that random white guy in the rap video
MAYBE: You can wear the tribal print head to toe if you are from that tribe holding the spear