Not My Cup of Joe

Canada gave us the Bryan Adams songbook, the human acrobatics of Cirque du Soleil, the comedy stylings of Austin Powers and Pam Anderson's body of work...YEAH BABY! 

Now Canada has given us their latest fashionable export, Joe Fresh. The first time I heard about it, I asked myself, how fresh is it? Is it knitted fresh every day in the Thai factory where it's produced fresh? Or is it fresh off the runway male model's back fresh?

My friend explained that Joe Fresh is a mix of American Gap styling with H&M pricing. With that in mind, I had to investigate Canada Joe.

Walking to the 5th Avenue and 16th street store location, the orange and white colored sign was a bright beacon drawing me in. Inside they had everything that I love. They had stripe shirts, brightly colored khakis, shorts, cotton blazers and boat shoes. And nothing was more than $60. I was in some kind of fashion nirvana. Rummaging through the racks, I realized that Houston we have a problem. The size small looked more like a medium than small. Damn, it's American sizing!

I'm not a thin mint who could be a body double for Mick Jagger in his heroin period, but I'm also nowhere close to becoming John Goodman's stand-in. In order to fit the clothes at Joe Fresh, I would need to load up on at least another pound of good ole fashioned Canadian bacon. I even convinced myself to try on a shirt just to see if I was just delusional, but I was right. I was swimming in it. And finding clothes that flatter your body is fashion 101. I saw it on Oprah or the like.

So my final review of Joe Fresh is:
YES: It's for guys who are a little taller and broader than myself. They offer fashionable basics at very affordable prices.
NO: If you fit an H&M small perfectly, then that's where you should stay. You'll find me at the rack behind you.
MAYBE: Joe's stuff will shrink in the wash?

Have You Called Jenny or Jensen the Trainer at Equinox Yet?

As mankini season approaches, we all have to take an honest look in the mirror and accept the fact that we are one day older and perhaps a few pounds heavier. It happens.

Growing up, I was always skinny and scrawny. I've even had people tell me that I was a "runt" or my personal favorite--"whisper thin." And you can imagine that I was one of the last guys picked for any sport. My wire hanger frame wasn't fooling anyone on a football field. No matter how many Pizza Hut personal pizzas I would eat or boxes of malamars I would stuff in my pie hole, gaining weight wasn't happening. At least that was the case while I was still in school.

But then it happened. I graduated college and my metabolism slowed down.

It seemed to be 5 lbs for every 5 years. It's not a bad thing, but after spending so many years accepting the fact that I was probably thinner than most of the girls at a party--who ironically were dieting to achieve my BMI--I noticed that eating anything and everything in front of my face actually affected my waist line. I would blame it on that sushi because it makes you bloated...or the cinco margaritas on the 5th of May that may have given me an expanded waist line as wide as the Rio Grande. BUT I don't want to make a run for the waist line border.I knew that the weight gain is from my passion for eating/drinking anything in sight which has inversely affected my back, front and side fat storage. That's when I faced my sartorial conundrum.

"I've spent way too much on tailoring my clothes to have to go back and have spandex added to the waist bands."

That's when I decided to do the unthinkable and start exercising and eating right. Did you know that French fries aren't the same thing as eating a baked potato? So let's be manly about our bodies and accept the fact that's it's constantly changing, which means that we have to change our clothes and style to fit our amorphous bodies.It doesn't mean you need to move into a trapeze shirt large enough to host the Barnum and Bailey circus, but it does mean that you need to take control, hire a trainer graduate 1 size up at Levi's and make a call to Jenny!

YES: Grow up as you grow into a bigger size. As long as you're you're healthy, one size up isn't going to kill you. The fat will. It's heart breaking.
NO: Surgery can only take you so far before you rebound.
MAYBE: You can get away fooling yourself that designer's are making clothes smaller than they used to. Yeah, that's it! It's a conspiracy started by those skinny Chinese manufacturers trying to save money on fabric.

Not So Mad about Mad Men Style

Dear Banana Republic,

Please stop attacking me with your Mad Men advertisements. It's in the subways, the phone booths that homeless people use as urinals, the benign magazines I read, the blogs I visit and in your boring store windows. It's maddening.

It's not the era that bothers me. It's the styling of your clothes because it's really not modern or special. Don't get me wrong Banana. I love referencing looks from the past. Personally, the Onassis' Mediterranean 70's style does it for me. But when I wear my bell bottom pants, I always try to put my own spin on it so that I look less like I'm an extra from Taxi Driver and more like a modern day New Yorker who's ready to disco in a dive bar in the East Village. The closest I'll come to Greece is a Greek diner at 4 am eating a gyro and mozarella sticks.

Just because a lot of people watch the show, do they all really want to dress like their grand parents in their sartorial hay day? If they do, can't they just shop nana's closet or grandpa's vintage tie collection? And just because you make it limited edition doesn't mean it's that much more covetable. Let's look at this picture from your Mad Men collection on your site.

Tell me the truth. You make these shirts every year. You might change the collar size and add some stripes here and there, but I see this in your store each spring. How is this different from the other things in your store except for the label?

To quote Susan Powter: "STOP THE MADNESS!" You're making me bananas...Banana!

Sincerely,

Oscar W.

PS. Here's some advice:
YES: I want you to make "inspired" clothes from a bygone era, but make it different and modern. Why don't you bring back the stuff that they used to make back then that we can no longer find in an era where Amazon sells couture and batteries all in the same store.
NO: Don't try to fool me with a label and a slick advertising campaign based on a popular TV show name
MAYBE: You should have just made t-shirts w/ the picture of the characters and their taglines from the show. Imagine how much Donald Trump has made from t-shirts w/ his mug on it that says "You're Fired!"

Scarf It Up!

 

I confess that having to put away the scarves for the summer is tough for me. There has to be a support group somewhere out there in Google-land that I can IM for emergency support. The last thing I want to become is one of those wretched people on the street who wear a t-shirt or tank top w/ a scarf as a necklace in July. 

Ugh. The Horror! 

"911, there's a self-inflicted fashion wound reported in Union Square...and it's me!"

Spring is my last hurrah before having to put my scarves into a locked bin inside my closet never to see sunlight until the fall equinox. The wool and cashmere scarves have already been dry cleaned and placed in the bin, but the linen, cotton and light silk scarves are still available for use before Memorial Day. 

Until then, you will see me wrapped in one of these 5 noose styles waiting to hang up my scarves for summer.

Enjoy the video kids. It's G rated.

YES: Scarves are perfect for layering in the spring. Wear it to keep you warm in the early morn but just tuck it in your bag on your way home as the day heats up.

NO: Your girlfriend's pashmina doesn't count as a scarf. So leave the cross-dressing to professionals.

MAYBE: You can keep wearing that Burberry plaid cashmere scarf. It just looks wrong with a tan cotton suit.  

Binge. Purge. Repeat.

 

The love birds are chirping, flower buds are blossoming and my allergies are killing me. As the weather warms and I blow my nose into a box of Kleenex, I decide to purge my closet under the guise of spring cleaning. So I pull out the hefty bag and start looking at my closet and its contents.

It's a meditative experience since it's an opportunity to take a good strong look at who you were, who you are and who you want to be. There's a tattered Moschino t-shirt with a large image of a Pagliacci clown figure hugging a shopping bag for dear life that I've had for several years. It should go in the trash bag and it's something I wouldn't wear out in public, but it's the last piece of clothing I have from the college wardrobe my parents bought for me for my freshman year. It's been recycled into a sleeping shirt.

The beige cotton Sisley suit with the four buttons that perfectly captures a used car salesman makes a quick jump into the donation bin...there must be a Toyota car dealer waiting for this. Wait, the pants with the side button details still fit. Maybe the suit pants will have to make an amicable split from the blazer.

White Gucci pantent leather loafers which I wore only with black skinny jeans which already left the plantation will go along with the G-Star coat I forgot I had and haven't worn since a Bush was in the White House. This goes on for another hour of trying things on and making Judge Judy decisions on the spot whether a pair of pants has committed a crime against fashion humanity and deserves the death penalty. But at the end, I realize that my sense of style is growing up. With less time spent exploring the hottest underground clubs and more time finding new underground restaurants, my style is more casual than trying too hard to get noticed by a bouncer behind a velvet rope. 

If I can do it, you can too. 

YES: Live green and recycle. Keep the clothes and accessories that have a potential for an after life. Just remember that socks and underwear can't be recycled.

NO: If you haven't lost the 10 pounds you've been meaning to lose for the last 5 years, you won't be losing it in the next 5. Say aloha to that muscle shirt that makes a case that men can get pregnant versus showing off your bulging biceps. 

MAYBE: You can keep the things that you absolutely can't part with until you find a suitable replacement. You can't part with your favorite raincoat until you find one exactly like it. It's just one of those things. Now go forth and spring forward.

 

I'm Packing Something Alright

 

Going away on vacation to visit my parents in southern Italy requires some packing strategery. Since we're planning excursions in Capri, Amalfi, Sorrento and Avellino my outfits need to work together. This is what I have so far.

Top Row Left to Right

1.Sleepwear: Since I’m staying with my parents, I can’t just walk around in my boxers. But I can regress to the outfits I used to wear around the house as a kid. “Mucho Aloha” t-shirt with cotton J Crew drawstring shorts.

2.Sweaters: Sweaters give you an opportunity to layer and helps to make multiple looks when mixed/matched with other pieces from your luggage. Cowl neck H&M color blocked sweater and  Uniqlo gray cashmere v-neck.

3.Suit: Just in case I get invited to a fancy party. H&M navy blue suit.

4.Denim Jacket: I’ve had this for so long that if it were a kid it would be in high school. It’s my security travel blanket. Thanks Banana Republic.

Second Row Left to Right

1.Button Up Shirts: For a week’s vacation, I always pack one white and one solid/pattern. I normally wear them to casual dinners just so that I don’t wear the same t-shirt all day long. H&M white and Club Monaco gingham button ups.

2.Basic Accessories: These help me pull it together. Gucci scarf, Co-op skinny tie, brown belt and NY Yankees baseball cap (need to represent)

3.T-Shirts: Every day of the week has a sightseeing adventure planned. Since I’m vacationing by the water, I went nautical.  It’s good to mix long and short sleeved tees just in case the weather is temperamental like a menopausal woman.  Hot flash! H&M long and short sleeved nautical t-shirts, H&M cowl neck tee and Asos white ¾ length tee.

Bottom Row Left to Right

1.Pants: With so much navy and blue, the pants are also dark which are the best for traveling since you never know what can spill on your lap. Theory navy blue pants, AX pin stripe pants and +J slim fit jeans

2.Sportswear/Shorts: In case one of the hotels we stay at has a gym or pool, I like to pack swimming trunks that I can use for either…if I can get away from my parents long enough. Even though I’m not tanned enough to show off the legs, I pack a pair of navy blue H&M shorts just in case I get a shameless way to show off my gams.

3.Polo Shirts: They give me a nice break for a t-shirt and can be worn at night for casual dinners too. IDIB long sleeved and short sleeved polo shirts in light blue and navy. And a Ralph Lauren oversized logo polo shirt.

YES: Pick a color base to match everything against so that you don't freak out that nothing matches once you unpack at your destination. I normally pick black or blue. 

NO: Don't pack last minute. It shows.

MAYBE: You can buy whatever you need when you get there, but you better find out how to say your shoe size in Italian.

The Problem with Season Jumpers

It happened over the weekend. In the era of global-warming, unseasonably warm weather has brought spring like temperatures to the east coast with highs in the low-60's during the day, but lows in the high-30's at night. The extreme disparity in temperature has confounded many men and women in the city. Men are quick to show off their calves in shorts baring their pasty ghost-like legs, while women are hurriedly modeling their new spandex collection from Lululemon with cantilevered boobs coming to a cold and perky point for all to see and appreciate.

They roam the streets just as confused as the men and women who suffer from "Down Parka Withdrawal Syndrome." Bundled in their sleeping bag jackets sweating bullets into the pockets of pillowy fowl feathers, they only acknowledge that it's starting to be spring because they aren't wearing any gloves. 

But the most sad of them all are the people who combine the down jacket with shorts and sandals. 

Stop the madness! You have plenty of months to showcase your mangled man toes in those Havainas. And boobs are perennials, they're in season all year round. Save the spandex for your next Soul Cycle class.

YES: God created layers so that you can put things on and off like a stripper at Scores. Just remember that the lighter and thinner the fabrics, the less bulky you'll looked layered up. I like to wear a t-shirt with a cardigan and a denim jacket. If it gets cooler I'll throw a light down vest.

NO: Don't jump a season ahead or backwards. It's too cold for a bikini and it's too warm for thinsulate shoes. Make use of the Container Store and contain thy seasonal clothes. We are judging you behind your back and to your face if you're lucky.

MAYBE: Fine, let's say you have internal heating issues. But don't tell me that your mangled man feet are cold but your torso and legs beg to be covered in corduroy and down. There's a college game for that and I call BULLSH!T!