Scarf It Up!

 

I confess that having to put away the scarves for the summer is tough for me. There has to be a support group somewhere out there in Google-land that I can IM for emergency support. The last thing I want to become is one of those wretched people on the street who wear a t-shirt or tank top w/ a scarf as a necklace in July. 

Ugh. The Horror! 

"911, there's a self-inflicted fashion wound reported in Union Square...and it's me!"

Spring is my last hurrah before having to put my scarves into a locked bin inside my closet never to see sunlight until the fall equinox. The wool and cashmere scarves have already been dry cleaned and placed in the bin, but the linen, cotton and light silk scarves are still available for use before Memorial Day. 

Until then, you will see me wrapped in one of these 5 noose styles waiting to hang up my scarves for summer.

Enjoy the video kids. It's G rated.

YES: Scarves are perfect for layering in the spring. Wear it to keep you warm in the early morn but just tuck it in your bag on your way home as the day heats up.

NO: Your girlfriend's pashmina doesn't count as a scarf. So leave the cross-dressing to professionals.

MAYBE: You can keep wearing that Burberry plaid cashmere scarf. It just looks wrong with a tan cotton suit.  

Binge. Purge. Repeat.

 

The love birds are chirping, flower buds are blossoming and my allergies are killing me. As the weather warms and I blow my nose into a box of Kleenex, I decide to purge my closet under the guise of spring cleaning. So I pull out the hefty bag and start looking at my closet and its contents.

It's a meditative experience since it's an opportunity to take a good strong look at who you were, who you are and who you want to be. There's a tattered Moschino t-shirt with a large image of a Pagliacci clown figure hugging a shopping bag for dear life that I've had for several years. It should go in the trash bag and it's something I wouldn't wear out in public, but it's the last piece of clothing I have from the college wardrobe my parents bought for me for my freshman year. It's been recycled into a sleeping shirt.

The beige cotton Sisley suit with the four buttons that perfectly captures a used car salesman makes a quick jump into the donation bin...there must be a Toyota car dealer waiting for this. Wait, the pants with the side button details still fit. Maybe the suit pants will have to make an amicable split from the blazer.

White Gucci pantent leather loafers which I wore only with black skinny jeans which already left the plantation will go along with the G-Star coat I forgot I had and haven't worn since a Bush was in the White House. This goes on for another hour of trying things on and making Judge Judy decisions on the spot whether a pair of pants has committed a crime against fashion humanity and deserves the death penalty. But at the end, I realize that my sense of style is growing up. With less time spent exploring the hottest underground clubs and more time finding new underground restaurants, my style is more casual than trying too hard to get noticed by a bouncer behind a velvet rope. 

If I can do it, you can too. 

YES: Live green and recycle. Keep the clothes and accessories that have a potential for an after life. Just remember that socks and underwear can't be recycled.

NO: If you haven't lost the 10 pounds you've been meaning to lose for the last 5 years, you won't be losing it in the next 5. Say aloha to that muscle shirt that makes a case that men can get pregnant versus showing off your bulging biceps. 

MAYBE: You can keep the things that you absolutely can't part with until you find a suitable replacement. You can't part with your favorite raincoat until you find one exactly like it. It's just one of those things. Now go forth and spring forward.

 

I'm Packing Something Alright

 

Going away on vacation to visit my parents in southern Italy requires some packing strategery. Since we're planning excursions in Capri, Amalfi, Sorrento and Avellino my outfits need to work together. This is what I have so far.

Top Row Left to Right

1.Sleepwear: Since I’m staying with my parents, I can’t just walk around in my boxers. But I can regress to the outfits I used to wear around the house as a kid. “Mucho Aloha” t-shirt with cotton J Crew drawstring shorts.

2.Sweaters: Sweaters give you an opportunity to layer and helps to make multiple looks when mixed/matched with other pieces from your luggage. Cowl neck H&M color blocked sweater and  Uniqlo gray cashmere v-neck.

3.Suit: Just in case I get invited to a fancy party. H&M navy blue suit.

4.Denim Jacket: I’ve had this for so long that if it were a kid it would be in high school. It’s my security travel blanket. Thanks Banana Republic.

Second Row Left to Right

1.Button Up Shirts: For a week’s vacation, I always pack one white and one solid/pattern. I normally wear them to casual dinners just so that I don’t wear the same t-shirt all day long. H&M white and Club Monaco gingham button ups.

2.Basic Accessories: These help me pull it together. Gucci scarf, Co-op skinny tie, brown belt and NY Yankees baseball cap (need to represent)

3.T-Shirts: Every day of the week has a sightseeing adventure planned. Since I’m vacationing by the water, I went nautical.  It’s good to mix long and short sleeved tees just in case the weather is temperamental like a menopausal woman.  Hot flash! H&M long and short sleeved nautical t-shirts, H&M cowl neck tee and Asos white ¾ length tee.

Bottom Row Left to Right

1.Pants: With so much navy and blue, the pants are also dark which are the best for traveling since you never know what can spill on your lap. Theory navy blue pants, AX pin stripe pants and +J slim fit jeans

2.Sportswear/Shorts: In case one of the hotels we stay at has a gym or pool, I like to pack swimming trunks that I can use for either…if I can get away from my parents long enough. Even though I’m not tanned enough to show off the legs, I pack a pair of navy blue H&M shorts just in case I get a shameless way to show off my gams.

3.Polo Shirts: They give me a nice break for a t-shirt and can be worn at night for casual dinners too. IDIB long sleeved and short sleeved polo shirts in light blue and navy. And a Ralph Lauren oversized logo polo shirt.

YES: Pick a color base to match everything against so that you don't freak out that nothing matches once you unpack at your destination. I normally pick black or blue. 

NO: Don't pack last minute. It shows.

MAYBE: You can buy whatever you need when you get there, but you better find out how to say your shoe size in Italian.

The Problem with Season Jumpers

It happened over the weekend. In the era of global-warming, unseasonably warm weather has brought spring like temperatures to the east coast with highs in the low-60's during the day, but lows in the high-30's at night. The extreme disparity in temperature has confounded many men and women in the city. Men are quick to show off their calves in shorts baring their pasty ghost-like legs, while women are hurriedly modeling their new spandex collection from Lululemon with cantilevered boobs coming to a cold and perky point for all to see and appreciate.

They roam the streets just as confused as the men and women who suffer from "Down Parka Withdrawal Syndrome." Bundled in their sleeping bag jackets sweating bullets into the pockets of pillowy fowl feathers, they only acknowledge that it's starting to be spring because they aren't wearing any gloves. 

But the most sad of them all are the people who combine the down jacket with shorts and sandals. 

Stop the madness! You have plenty of months to showcase your mangled man toes in those Havainas. And boobs are perennials, they're in season all year round. Save the spandex for your next Soul Cycle class.

YES: God created layers so that you can put things on and off like a stripper at Scores. Just remember that the lighter and thinner the fabrics, the less bulky you'll looked layered up. I like to wear a t-shirt with a cardigan and a denim jacket. If it gets cooler I'll throw a light down vest.

NO: Don't jump a season ahead or backwards. It's too cold for a bikini and it's too warm for thinsulate shoes. Make use of the Container Store and contain thy seasonal clothes. We are judging you behind your back and to your face if you're lucky.

MAYBE: Fine, let's say you have internal heating issues. But don't tell me that your mangled man feet are cold but your torso and legs beg to be covered in corduroy and down. There's a college game for that and I call BULLSH!T!

Italians Do it Better! Online!

I am an obsessive reader of books, magazines, newspapers, gossip sites, bathroom graffiti etc. (still trying to confirm if Jessica is an amazing c*cksucker per the urinal at the sushi bar). But the American men's magazines out there bore me. There's no way to distinguish GQ, Details, Esquire, Men's Journal, Men's Health, Sports Illustrated etc from one another. Same actor/model/singer with a different masthead posing in the same shirt, tie and ankle short pants. Sure I read the stories on of how to cook beef, where to get a drink or how to have better sex, but I don't read it for the styling. It's a lot boring. Same dark suit, watches and shoes but the model is jumping or running or playing basket ball. Big yawn.

I want something a little more inspiring like "oh, that's cool, I could wear that." But the alternatives like  VMan, Paper and all the other avant garde men's style magazine is a little too out there for me. I'm sure that there's a time and place where a distressed denim suit with ass-less chaps is the appropriate attire...it's just not in my sphere.

Then I recently discovered the English version of L'Uomo Vogue (Men's Vogue Italy). Finally, there's a way for me to read the translated content of the magazine I always flip through at the newsstand with the European style of dressing that I love. It doesn't mean that I abandon my American sportswear sensibilities of basic tee and jeans, but when I want something new, more put together and stylish, I always look foreign magazines and blogs. This site does it for me. 


YES if you're inspired by Italian style
NO if you don't have a passport to travel beyond your city limits, and the Jersey Shore is your Italian cultural touch point
MAYBE if you want to dabble in a little Dolce vita & Gabbana loafers

Shop It to Me!

We've established that we care how we present ourselves to the greater world outside our homes. It feels nice to look put together and we don't need Oprah to remind us of that.

But updating your wardrobe can be scary like a box of Dunkin Donuts at a Weight Watchers meeting.

Swide.com did a great job identifying the Spring/Summer trends for men. There's a lot of different ways to freshen up your look from shirt jackets to adding a touch of suede to your closet, but you don't need everything that they have in their slideshow. Remember that style is personal and buy the things that will work for you and not make you feel uncomfortable.


So here are some things I've put on my spring shopping list to keep my look fresh like a prince of Bel Air without looking like a try-hard and some things that I'm staying away from like the special ointment aisles of a drug store.

YES. BUY ME ON LAYAWAY
1. Brace for It: Nothing says spring like pops of color in your outfit, and the easiest way and most affordable way to do it without scaring the children is through your accessories. Last year was all about the bead bracelets and rope bracelets. I rocked the Buddhist prayer beads a friend gave me without ever achieving Nirvana. This year, I'm going Native...American with Indian multi-colored glass bead bracelets. Find your tribe and rock it with me. The alternative would be a bright colored watch like the ones offered by Nooka. If man jewelry isn't your thing a light colored bag or scarf are acceptable alternatives.
2. Parka Parka Parka: It may seem so last year, but I'm still hunting for the perfect parka that can take me from parks and recreation to work and the grind. It's my holy grail for this spring/summer.
3. A Shoe In: Shoes can make an outfit and help make your basic suit look like it's ready for a spring break trip adults call sales meeting. I've bought basic suede oxfords in navy and another pair in black since they are work appropriate. BUT I've ordered colored shoe laces from ShoeLaceExpress.com in hunter green, royal blue and lavender so that I can kick it to the new season with my basic shoes. If you want to go bolder, invest in the Cole Haan multi-colored oxfords. They'll look great with a suit or with shorts.
4. Make It Short & Sweet: Upgrade your shorts with plaid. I've bought a few from Gap in red and green. I also had the hems raised just above the knee because I'm short and if it's too low below the knew I look like a hip hop Hobbit.

NO. THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE, KEEP IT MOVING
1. Skinny Jeans: I did it, and so can you. Break up with them and move on to slim fit jeans to transition from one addiction to another. Your thighs and man junk will thank you as they breathe a sigh of relief. The only exception here is if your job is hair band impersonator, then as you were Bon Jovi! Please keep living on the edge.
2. Ankle Pants: I confess that I was a slut and showed off some bare ankle in the past stirring the passions of women and sexually curious boys all over Manhattan. I have the DD's of ankles and short pants that showed them off were the way to go. But it's time to move on and pay the extra price to have them covered up like the Amish would. In this new era of conservatism, I'm putting them away and so should you.
3. Crazy Prints: Even though it looked like a Rorschach test threw up on the runways of many designers for spring, leave it for the guys 20 and under to pull off this look. It does not belong on your body. If you insist please have the decency to cover it up with a blazer or cardigan.
4. Flip Floppity Hoppity: Maybe it's because I'm a self-confessed germaphobe, but there's something about men and women wearing Havaianas in the city that make me verklempt out of my mind. I always see the black undersides of their feet as their walking because surprise surprise, the city is a dirty place. Please help me help you save you from a foot fungus. Dr. Scholls thanks you for your support.

MAYBE. IT WILL BE ALL OKAY
1. Mad about Plaid: I have a few pieces that I like to wear under a suit since it's a simple spring/summer basic every man should have. It won't revolutionize your life, but it's easy.
2. Ahoy Boat Shoes: Not really my thing, but I also have an aversion to water. If you own a boat it's your birth right to have a pair of Sperry's. It sure beats Havaianas in the city.
3. The Chin in Chinos: Whether your pair is Dockers, Gap or Gant, just make sure it fits and it's the right length.
4. So Last Year: It's okay to wear whatever you bought last year or the year before. Trust me, no one will notice unless your shirt says the year it was made. Whoopsies.

Hoard Like a Man

Ever since the Neanderthals moved into a cozy cave in the French Alps with sweeping views of the valley and 1,200 square feet of grey wall to floor granite, men began hoarding. It started simple enough with lavish animal furs and the best quality hides (all locally sourced), but he began to outgrow the cave when the walk-in closet got over crowded with bats. He moved to a hut and built an outdoor storage unit next to the yak farm and the chicken coop. But even that became too small. Now he lives in the suburbs, drives a mechanical horse that can take him to a mini-mall that's only a 5 minute walk away. Compared to his cave man ancestors, today's man has a plethora of things to hoard. From pens, magazines to Facebook friends. There's too much. Here's a helpful guide.

YES: Bring It On Baby
1. Underwear: Every man lives in his underwear. You find one that lets the boys breathe free, you hoard it like a cattle rancher. I live in Calvin Klein nylon boxer briefs and no longer wait to exhale.
2. Jeans: Men are just as obsessed about finding the perfect jeans as women. It's a fashion holy grail. We may not care (as much) if our asses look juicy like a watermelon, but we do care if it gives us enough swag on the street with our Calvins.
3. Wine: Obviously a batch of wine is made based on the yield and climate of the year. So wine from year to year is NEVER the same. You find a bottle you like, you buy a case of it and store it like a bootlegger BUT hide it from the winos.

NO: Call-in the Dumpster
1. Socks & T-Shirts: It's a year-round staple they will never stop making unless China is swallowed by the earth. So unless they have healing powers or possess the prowess of Elvis in spandex, it's not worth it. Move on.
2. Something from an Ex: You start with collecting panties to tank tops to hair jewelry etc. But it just gets to a point where it's creepy...like Silence of the Lambs collecting the skins of fat girls creepy.
3. Bad Manners: Sure the guy who acts like a dick on TV seems cool and potentially sexy to girls with long-time friends at the free clinic; but it doesn't translate in real life. Get over yourself.

MAYBE: You Can Get away with It
1. Porn: It doesn't need explanation.
2. Memorabilia: If looking back at old photos, cards, concert tickets make you think of a happy time in your dysfunctional life, then you should keep it. I hoard hotel room keys from amazing vacations. It's my thing.
3. Jewelry: It's like a shiny investment in your future. Just don't wear it all at once, unless you are Liberace reincarnate!