Hoard Like a Man

Ever since the Neanderthals moved into a cozy cave in the French Alps with sweeping views of the valley and 1,200 square feet of grey wall to floor granite, men began hoarding. It started simple enough with lavish animal furs and the best quality hides (all locally sourced), but he began to outgrow the cave when the walk-in closet got over crowded with bats. He moved to a hut and built an outdoor storage unit next to the yak farm and the chicken coop. But even that became too small. Now he lives in the suburbs, drives a mechanical horse that can take him to a mini-mall that's only a 5 minute walk away. Compared to his cave man ancestors, today's man has a plethora of things to hoard. From pens, magazines to Facebook friends. There's too much. Here's a helpful guide.

YES: Bring It On Baby
1. Underwear: Every man lives in his underwear. You find one that lets the boys breathe free, you hoard it like a cattle rancher. I live in Calvin Klein nylon boxer briefs and no longer wait to exhale.
2. Jeans: Men are just as obsessed about finding the perfect jeans as women. It's a fashion holy grail. We may not care (as much) if our asses look juicy like a watermelon, but we do care if it gives us enough swag on the street with our Calvins.
3. Wine: Obviously a batch of wine is made based on the yield and climate of the year. So wine from year to year is NEVER the same. You find a bottle you like, you buy a case of it and store it like a bootlegger BUT hide it from the winos.

NO: Call-in the Dumpster
1. Socks & T-Shirts: It's a year-round staple they will never stop making unless China is swallowed by the earth. So unless they have healing powers or possess the prowess of Elvis in spandex, it's not worth it. Move on.
2. Something from an Ex: You start with collecting panties to tank tops to hair jewelry etc. But it just gets to a point where it's creepy...like Silence of the Lambs collecting the skins of fat girls creepy.
3. Bad Manners: Sure the guy who acts like a dick on TV seems cool and potentially sexy to girls with long-time friends at the free clinic; but it doesn't translate in real life. Get over yourself.

MAYBE: You Can Get away with It
1. Porn: It doesn't need explanation.
2. Memorabilia: If looking back at old photos, cards, concert tickets make you think of a happy time in your dysfunctional life, then you should keep it. I hoard hotel room keys from amazing vacations. It's my thing.
3. Jewelry: It's like a shiny investment in your future. Just don't wear it all at once, unless you are Liberace reincarnate!