A Man's Guide to Tattoos

I'm not one to judge the design of a man's tattoo since to each his own. So I don't care if you have a tribal tattoo, a cartoon one, or an exoskeleton like Zombie Boy here.

But where you place the damn thing is another story. Also, how you take care of it is something I can speak to since I have a man's tramp stamp (see #2) of my own.

Here are the basics.

1. PLACEMENT: Visible tattoos should only be on men who don't have office jobs. This goes for the neck tattoo and the tear drop eye markings--which is apparently a way of showing how many men you've killed. Guess this is useful information for prison. The type of guy who usually has a neck tattoo with his name, his mom's image or a cross larger than the kind you found in Israel during Roman times probably works in an auto body shop, pawn shop or biker shop (see all of the Discovery Channel shows), a band or a barista at Starbucks.

2. MAN'S TRAMP STAMP: Any tattoo placed on the pelvic area of a man that's right above his junk is the male equivalent to a woman's tramp stamp (a tattoo placed on the lower back above the ass crack). It says gay--just like me. It also implies that you're probably a man-whore...not that there's anything wrong with that. More power to your pelvis like Elvis.

3. UPKEEP: Okay, so the real reason I decided to put a tattoo on my pelvis is to keep my body in check. There's nothing sadder than seeing a stretched out tattoo with stretch marks cutting through the original ink. Placing mine on my waist line ensured a lifetime of ab workouts to keep it in check. Pilates is my preferred way to keep it tight. But this goes for all tattoos. Don't let them get stretched out or droop over time. Hit the gym and always apply sunscreen on the area to keep the ink from fading.

3. THINK IT THROUGH: Try to think a tattoo through before you get it. Ideally, you'd research the ink shop, get recommendations from guys who have tattoos you really like or read Yelp reviews. Names of people outside your immediate family is a recipe for disaster along with getting a tattoo while under the influence.

YES
Tattoos are on everyone and not as dangerous as they used to be. But it's just another ancient form of body decoration. Channel your inner Martha Stewart and decorate away.

NO
Having a tattoo doesn't make you sexy or cool. It just means you have nothing better to do with your time, money or body.

MAYBE
You're more into piercings. If that's the case, I'm not the guy to get advice from.

Under Consideration: Pierced is Firece

Versus Pierced Backpack

It seems ironic that piercing an accessory is such a fashionable turn-on when I'm so easily turned-off by body piercings on a human.

Belly button, nose ring, tongue, nipple and nether region piercings seem so unsightly. Earrings make sense because gold and diamonds help you hear better. It's not science, but it's what I like to believe.

People who insert quarter-sized cork plugs in their ears need to plug their brains because it's leaking with good judgement. I have yet to be in a situation where I need to cork a bottle of Pinot and a random dude saves the day by giving me his cork piercing.

This Versus backpack is the closest thing I'll ever get to a piercing. It just does it for me with its functionality and punk rock attitude.

YES
We all need a little punk rock now and then.

NO
It's not the same if you put a safety in a regular black backpack. It has to be an epic Versace safety pin that shines so bright and sparkly like a diamond that Rhianna magically appears.

MAYBE
You prefer a briefcase or messenger bag.

Please Be My Valentino!

Valentino Men's Fall 2014

I started out the year #obsessed with anything and everything Saint Laurent. But then I realized that my runner's legs will never fit into the stove-pipe skinny jeans that Hedi Slimane has been designing for the brand.

Let's just call it a sad moment in the dressing room. It looked a little something like this:

I guess there's always Saint Laurent tops and accessories I can hoarde. But the Saint Laurent aesthetic doesn't change that drastically from season to season that my current haul will last me for years before I get bored or tired of them. Besides, how many tuxedo jackets can I possibly own especially since the last time I needed a tuxedo was for a family wedding about 5 years ago.

I did try to rock it at Whole Foods, but the cheese monger didn't care or notice. And why should he?

That's when I decided to look to new designers for inspiration for the upcoming Fall 2014 season. Rick Owens is wonderful but I'm too short for his new avant guard designs. The cheese monger wouldn't be able to see my face behind that high Owens cowl neck. No one wears Gucci any more except Russians, pimps and actual Russian pimps. Kenzo had too much going on, Givenchy is reserved for wannabe b-ball players and Armani made me sleepy with all those earthy tones.

But Valentino caught my eye and seduced me right away with its devil's-in-the-details designs. I'm loving the herringbone camo suit (pictured above). The man clutch ain't too shabby either.

The double-faced cashmere coats and sweaters throughout the collection also made me wish it was already October and pumpkin-spiced latte season at Starbucks. Each piece looked so luxurious, soft to the eye and easy to understand. Even the crazy fur coats and embroidered owl jackets seemed like something someone out there would actually love and be brave enough to wear out in public (speaking to all Kanyes).

YES
I'm a Valentino-believer. Move over Saint Laurent, there's a new gay man in town winning the hearts and wallets of men.

NO
I can't really afford all of the pieces I want. But this man-boy can dream.

MAYBE
You are part of the 1% and have already bought the entire collection. I can't wait for you to sell it at a consignment store.

Knock-It-Off Zara...Please

Dear Zara,

If you're trolling the web looking for ideas on what you should knock-off or be inspired by for the upcoming fall season, please take note of my top 5 picks that deserve your attention.

Given that it takes you less than a month to "reimagine" these designs, have them produced in the not-warring parts of Ukraine or Tunisia and have them displayed on a mannequin in your 5th avenue stores in NYC, I think that my letter to you has a chance of influencing what you put in stores this fall.

If you need further reasons to compel you why these deserve to be adapted for the masses, here's a quickie:

1. Neil Barrett Lightning Sweatshirt: Every man-child loves lightning. This makes it acceptable and even cool to admit it.

2. Dolce & Gabbana Side Panel Trousers: These are the most versatile pants ever. Dress it up or down, it goes with everything.

3. Kenzo V-Panel Button Up Shirt: It's interesting without being weird.

4. Christopher Raeburn Quilted Toggle Coat: I mean, talk about a new classic coat. This is da bomb.

5. Valentino Studded Oxfords: Sneakers as a trend kind of died this summer, at least for me. It's time to break up with Nike and move on to a new love for Valentino. These shoes make a statement.

YES
Dear Zara, help make this Christmas the best-dressed version of me yet.

NO
You don't have to make everything on this list, but if wouldn't hurt.

MAYBE
I should also send this open letter to H&M, Target, etc. Yup, I went there.

Under Consideration #9

OAK NYC PONCHO

Trolling OAK NYC's website for products that may be at their upcoming sample sale, I came upon this little gem.

It's a modern take on the classic Mexican-American cowboy poncho. The cut is daring but simple. This piece can easily be worn on the street without creating too much fuss. I mean, it looks like a sweatshirt that was cut up so that you lost the sleeves. But at the same time, it's interesting enough that you know that wearing this to fashion week will make you a street style blogger super star.

The only struggle I have about adopting this item into my closet is how I will incorporate this into the rest of my look since. Being vertically-challenged, I'm afraid that this might make me look like a toddler dressed up as a superhero. Not that there's anything wrong with hyperactive imaginations. But it's something I will definitely need to try on and decide at the store.

See you at the sample sale.

YES
This poncho-hoodie hybrid packs a 1, 2, ponch!

NO
Your multi-color woven jute poncho you got from Cancun during spring break many years ago doesn't count. You should have left it on the other side of the Rio Grande.

MAYBE
You have chronic beer belly-itis and you've been wearing black ponchos and smocks to hide your girth. You're ahead of your time.

FILE UNDER "UNDER CONSIDERATION"

Sharskin for Shark Week

In honor of shark week, it's time to promote the rediscovery of the sharkskin suit. This maligned piece of fabric is the victim of ubiquity and deserves its day in court. Because it has a right to testify its side of the fashion story. 

Basically, sharkskin fabric is unique because of its two-toned woven appearance, which gives it that  subtle shine. It's also lightweight and extremely smooth. In the past, these effects were achieved through a basket weaving technique that blends all natural fibers such as a mohair, wool and silk. Needless to say it became a fabric synonymous with wealth. If you watch Mad Men, you know what I'm talking about. But here's a visual cue.

But the development of rayon and acetate in the 60's made sharkskin fabrics even cheaper to produce. This is where the villain of ubiquity pops-in its ugly mass market head and ruins the reputation of the sharkskin suit sending it off to central lock-up. Because it was everywhere from tablecloths, curtains to shirt linings, sharkskin lost its luster.

However, it's making a comeback with a new crop of men who can appreciate quality and craftsmanship. Mad Men is also a hit show with a large fan base. Christopher Bailey of Burberry has done a nifty slim fit version. It's available on their site for about $2K.  If you don't have the chump change to buy this suit, you can always find an affordable version at J.Crew or Banana Republic. I personally like Club Monaco.

YES

This is how you do modern sharkskin. With this suit, you will be the shark others will fear in the courtroom to the boardroom.  

NO

This polyblend sharkskin suit will get you laughed out of the seven seas.

MAYBE

You're a real Shark Week fan and a gray suit is never going to be in your wardrobe repertoire since you're mostly in a wetsuit. See you in the cage.