The UGGLY Truth

It happened by accident. I was killing time at Nordstrom Rack waiting for a friend, who was upstairs at Best Buy, when a pair of boots caught my eye. They were a pair of black UGG Wrangell boots. I judged them immediately like I judge men with bad shoes or unkempt toenails. Disgusting! Spit! Spit! Vomit!

These are the shoes you see on guys who just don't know any better...like Tom Brady. But at least he gets paid to wear them. In my head, the guys who wear these have super trendy dominant wives/girlfriends who shop for them. They wear matching UGG boots to go to the mall together because it's cold in there.

Then, I realized that maybe I'm prejudiced and should have an open mind. It's what MLK (Dr. Martin Luther King) would do. Plus my friend was taking forever and there was nothing happening at the Rack. Besides, what is the big fuss about UGGs? I much prefer my LL Bean shearling duck boots. They're waterproof and classic. The downside is, it takes 20 minutes to lace and unlace them. It's not ideal when you  come in from the cold to a warm room and immediately have to relieve yourself; but you're stuck at the door trying to loosen up the laces so you don't track snow on your hard wood floors.

Out of curiosity, I slipped off my shoes and put these UGGs on. That's when it hit me. These are like the perfect pair of warm fuzzy slippers you'd wear around the house drinking hot chocolate and ginger bread cookies. But these slippers are meant for the great outdoors. Even though I was only wearing ankle socks, I immediately felt warm, cozy and even slightly happy. Who am I right now?

I can't be seriously contemplating buying these. There was a pair of Pirelli boots I tried on last year that were much lighter and chic, but they just didn't deliver this kind of warm fuzzy happy. Damn! I'm a fashion snob. I've got this UGGs trend so wrong. Now it makes sense why so many people wear them even to the cold LA mall.

Last winter, I went to Germany with only a pair of Bikkemberg boots that had the cool detail where the ankle straps laced through the boot heel. They looked amazing, but my toes were frozen. I didn't take the LL Bean boots because I would be that guy at airport security holding up the line. These UGGs would have been amazing for all the cold weather Germany had to throw at me.

This year, I'm planning to go back to Switzerland and France during the winter. These would make the perfect pair of travel shoes for the plane and for walking around. I must have them!

YES
It's not fashion, it's not style and it's pure comfort. Suck it.

NO
Just because you're a big Tom Brady fan doesn't mean you should buy everything he endorses.

MAYBE
I should tackle a list of things I think are tacky and see what I really think about them after I try to walk in their shoes. Here I come Rockport.

It's a Handful of Perfect

With a wallet, keys, the latest iPhone and several credit cards, club cards, IDs, metro card etc., I have a lot going on in my pockets.

It's not attractive. My ass looks like it has a tumor. And after time, it deforms my pants' back pocket and leaves an unattractive fade mark.

So I'm THAT guy you always see with the man clutch, the wristlet, the fanny pack, the back pack, the gym bag to carry all of my crap. But what I've always wanted is just something simple that can carry just the essentials--wallet, phone, keys and chapstick. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently it was, because I've been looking for years for a simple hand-held wallet. And it was worth waiting for because Philip Lim must have heard me complain at a bar and came up with the leather case to the left to meet my crazy needs. Although designed to be a sunglass case, I use it as an everything case since it fits all of my essentials plus it's small enough to fit into the palm of my hands with a strip of leather to keep it on my hand at all times...because I tend to lose stuff.

YES
Join my bag of crazy and get one for yourself.

NO
You don't need one if you only wear cargo pants or always have a blazer on, which have multiple pockets for all of your stuff.

MAYBE
You're okay with having a tumor on your ass. Just be aware that sitting on a wallet can lead to sciatica nerve damage especially if you sit in a car for too long. Hope you have health insurance.

Trendspotting: Barnacle Lady

I don't care that this was designed by the talented Mr. Bailey for Burberry Prorsum. This coat is hideous. It doesn't matter that it took 1,000,000 hours for imported Ukrainian ladies to stitch each pice of this awful looking bathrobe with overgrown sequined barnacles. She should have left this on the ship and walked the plank naked.

YES
I am really repulsed by this coat.

NO
It doesn't matter if the inside is lined with the Burberry plaid and this is English heritage at its finest. Your options would be to turn the coat inside out and get over the past.

MAYBE
You collect ugly, overpriced and unflattering pieces of clothing. See you on the cover of Harper's Bazaar.

Trend Spotting: Cannibal Models

YES
She's so hungry she's eating her one and only friend for lunch.

NO
There are no calories involved eating another model's hand (there's barely any fat there).

MAYBE
It's okay because she does look fabulous in that dress.

Your Marching Orders

New York's spring 2014 fashion week has been a snooze.

Looking through the street style photos and runway shows, you realize how there's nothing much to look at except a bunch of the same old recycled stuff done in a very bad un-Whole Foods kind of way. They weren't organic to the designer who designed them and even the models couldn't sell it even though there was an American Green Card with a bag of coke back stage waiting for them.

Reading through the fashion blogs, you can tell that they are all struggling to find something to write about this or that collection. Aside from a handful of shows like Thom Browne's crazy town collection, there really wasn't anything out there that spoke to me. In other words, everyone's shown a bunch of stuff people want to wear.

Then, you get to Senor Marc Jacobs. This crazy matador x band jacket mash up made me think of my favorite band jacket and horrible high school experience, which was both exciting and terrifying at the same time.

If this crazy woman walked towards me on the street, I would pull reverse racism and cross traffic to the other side for safety. She looks like she would tackle me while doing a Z-formation move. And this is why Marc is the pied piper of fashion.

Your brain tells you that you should HATE this look, and you would be right. But then you realize that yes, I would like a pair of beaded shorts with gladiator sandals and a Super Cuts haircut for spring. I mean, why not?

YES
Fashion is supposed to inspire you to think about how much you hate the stuff that's different, which you secretly find interesting.

NO
Please do not really wear this outfit together in real life. Get a stylist, a tailor and a paid group of sycophants to tell you how amazing it looks on you before you walk out the door (talking to you Mariah Carey, my little butterfly).

MAYBE
Boring and simple is the name of your game. Just don't expect to go pro with your basic wrap dress.

Trendspotting: Ballin' n Balmain

 

 
  All of these pieces are from Balmain and the Pierre Balmain collection. It has no connection to the designer of its namesake. There are no tulip skirts or sheath dresses. The closest thing to the original Pierre may be the logo and the nipped in waists.

But all of these reinvisioned designs of what Pierre Balmain should be for today's generation are pretty f-ing cool. The ankle boots with studded straps, the plaid biker jacket and the shredded sweater are all classic pieces that you will wear over and over again for years to come.

YES
Be open minded and start collecting some of these pieces especially if you can pull off a nipped waist.

NO
If you want brand heritage, then this isn't for you.

MAYBE
You're a nationalist and will wait for someone to reinvent Geoffrey Beene into THE surfer brand.

Paper, Plastic...Neither

What: Artifact Bag Co. Lunch Tote
Where: ArtifactBagCo.com
Price: $65 
Yes, No and Maybe: Obviously, I like to cook and that means there are lots of leftovers for me to take to work. Seeing this bag on Racked.com made me think of how I've been neglecting my food by taking it in to work in an ugly plastic Tupperware container.

My mini meat loaf patties deserve better. And this bag is the perfect vehicle to show off my culinary skills. Okay, fine, I love accessories. It's my kind of baggage that I carry. 

File Under Technically Speaking

Forage This

Restaurant: Foragers City Grocer / Gem Hotel Location
Address: 300 W 22nd Street, NY, NY 10011
Telephone: 212-243-8888

YNM Review: Brunch is a Sunday ritual for all New Yorkers. If you eat before 1, then it's considered lunch; even if you drink a glass of mimosa. So finding a new place to practice this time honored tradition is a bit of a challenge since many of us are set in our ways and stay loyal to certain diners. 

Unfortunately, my local diner decided to become an upscale Greek restaurant, which subsequently failed, so I was open to a new location.

My friend recommended Foragers. At first, I thought about the new group of hipsters known as Foragers, who shop for their groceries in the garbage bags outside of a grocery store. But she convinced me it wasn't that even though they had their own grocery store and wine shop in the front of the restaurant.

But I went willingly weary. Luckily, Foragers didn't disappoint. Despite my attempts to automatically dislike the place because everything in there is organic and almighty. I have to give it to them credit since the food wasn't bad and the service was okay. My pork sausage with the fried egg on top of potato fries were pretty good. It was just missing the hot sauce. I would even consider going back for dinner...that was until I realized the restaurant is next door to an Associated supermarket and today is garbage day. 

Eat This: The pancakes with the caramelized orange rinds were delicious. You can also order them on the side and who doesn't love a little bit of carbs on the sides. That's what spanx are for.

Drink That: Their Rose is bad. But the organic gin and tonic was wonderful. I actually didn't feel like my insides were burning. It made me think that maybe this is my version of juice cleansing.

File Under Eat This Drink That

Short on Self-Esteem

Twice a year, the city makes me well aware of just how short I really am. It's during NY Fashion Week that the city is inundated with professional and wannabe male and female models crossing the city crosswalks like long-legged gazelles on the African plains.

They are the reason that there's an uptick in cigarette sales, longer Starbucks lines and a shortage in muscle milk. You can spot them all over town carrying their black or white portfolio binders which captures their photogenic talents and measurements.

Despite their economic impact on the city, their God-given beauty and height is a reminder to all city-dwellers that we are all just average.

The genetically blessed specimens as far away as Brazil, Ethiopia and space, come to Manhattan stomping and pouty-faced from hunger.

God, how they make me rethink my diet and the need for the return male platforms.

No wonder, they have served designers as inspirational muses over the history of man. And it's plainly obvious how I want that $300 t-shirt even more because he makes it look so f-ing amazing.

YES
It's a good time to avoid the trendy bars and clubs if you want to save your self-esteem.

NO
There's no need to call your doctor to up your mood stabilizing meds.

MAYBE
You are a model and you're life isn't that amazing. In fact, being beautiful has created more problems than it has opportunities. This is where I call you a liar.

I Can See Right Through You

Well, at least almost.

I've been thinking about how men's fashion doesn't evolve as quickly compared to the other sex. If it wasn't for the popularity of horse riding, we'd all still be wearing togas for sure. Or worse, we'd all still wearing shearling rugs, with spear holsters and cavemen Birkenstocks which are probably look the same as they look now.

So the slightest evolutions in men's design are the most interesting. Some critics say that despite the fact that men only wear a handful of garments, menswear is the most difficult segment to design for and be successful. And I have to give it to the Yelp critics of fashion. They're right.

The waistcoat may owe its history to the Persians who inspired the British, who made it their own, but it certainly has staying power. It began as a long and acceptable girdle for men and transitioned into a functional piece of clothing that stored a man's pocket watch but slowly disappeared from every day wear as men became more and more casual in dress. I blame global warming and the ability of polyblends to trap heat even in its lightest of weaves. So what has design done for the waistcoat (also known as a vest in America)? Designers have decided to cute out the back to give it a fresh new look.

As a sucker for design, I love this new take on the vest. The Italian brand Gazzarrini sells a few on Yoox.com along with a Neil Barrett version I bought for myself.

YES
You can see right through the minimal evolution of the waistcoat and it's fabulous.

NO
Don't wear this without a shirt underneath. It's not a tank top. No one needs to see your bacne (aka back acne).  

MAYBE
You're over the waistcoat and you're going to try and bring the toga back. I can't wait for it. Let me know. Hail Caesar.