Free Balling

So Jon Hamm of Mad Men fame took his pair of wrecking balls to the internet last week and blew it up big time.Apparently, his penis and scrotum are so enormous, it distracts an entire film crew from paying attention to his credible acting on the show. 

This is how Sofia Vergara must feel every time she wears a tight deep V-neck t-shirt.  

Apparently, Jon's Hamm (thank you NY Post for the pun) has been photoshopped so as to protect the public from having to see all of him on the side of a bus.I admit that looking at this photo of his retro Jonson not only reveals his religious leanings but also makes me think that his pants are up too high if the entire package has to be put to the side like a pair of golf balls. Maybe he should get into harem pants.

YES

It's America, let them hang low and free. But wear dark colored pants to draw less attention to them. It is important to remember that like bras, underwear can also serve a purpose of keeping the boys up high before gravity takes hold. In a couple of years, he'll be wearing his balls as ankle bells.

NO

You won't attract more girls to you just because you're packing. But you will have more gay guys buying you drinks at the bar.

MAYBE 

You're a nudist and even having to think about putting the boys in clothing is De Mode to you.

I'm BENTO Having Style

Even when it comes to food and how it's packaged, I'm bent on making sure that my leftover lunch meal is kept in an appealing box.

If I didn't care, I might as well just eat out of a dog bowl w/o utensils. But the eyes and the stomach are strongly connected when it comes to having a tasty meal. If it smells funky, you can always just hold your nose and take a bite.

This Pret a Parquet lunch box is my new favorite investment (Container Store $19.95). Aside from the three compartments that keep food separated, which also makes me fondly reminisce about the TV dinners I used to have with my dad, the neoprene sleeve provides snug protection from any spillage issue. But you don't really have to worry about that with the secure lid that snaps on all four sides. They even have different versions for salad bowls and just sandwiches.

YES
I highly recommend it for yourself or as a gift to anyone you know who may bring lunch...like a six year old child or most women I work with.  

NO
You don't need this if you eat out all the time and never have leftovers that you like so much you want to eat it again the next day.

MAYBE
You are Chinese and are attached to your own kind of take-away box.

How to Hide Your Man-Boobs...a Guide

You don't have to be an old guy to have man-boobs. It happens to a lot of guys. I think that there are 3 types of bosom buddies to identify:

1. The Fat Kid (aka Eatalotus Obesitatas)

2. The Genetic Mishap (aka Parentis Arte Blameoos) 

3. The Simon Cowell (aka Musculous Saggus)

Aside from the obvious answers of go to a gym or call your trusted plastic surgeon for help, here are some helpful ways to de-accentuate your male decolletage.

YES
1. Black v-neck shirts (aka a Cowell Shirt which shouldn't be confused with a cowl neck shirt) are your friends
2. Avoid anything that's too tight...this goes for life in general as well
3. Shirts which have a print across the chest helps to camouflage
4. Manx (the male version of spanx)

NO
1. Never wear thin knits or silk or any fabric that will cling to the slope of your bosoms
2. Avoid tank tops
3. Don't pierce your nipples

MAYBE
You're a guy or girl who's really into man cleavage and would prefer for your man to be loud and proud about their DDs. That's great for you and it's great for America. But I still don't want to see it.

Watch Out: Kate Moss Can Read! Who Knew?

YES

It's funny

NO

S&M isn't less kinky just because she has a British accent...it makes it even more so

MAYBE

She'll be doing a books on tape series. Can't wait for her to read the Trainspotting book on tape...you know, the story about heroin addicts.

File Under Watch Out

Finally! It's Here! Menternity Pants

Without any embarrassment I willingly admit that I am jealous of women. I'm not covetous of the fact that they have sole ownership of carrying human life in their wombs. I'm more jealous of the fact they have maternity pants--which look like regular pants from the pelvis down, but the top part is made of stretchy spandex material that magically adjusts to her growing belly.

Lo and behold! I have finally found my holy grail.

Like the Pugle, the Toyota Prius, the donkey or a Centaur, this is one of those crazy hybrids that makes you think "Why the hell didn't I think of this?" With a population that's growing in numbers and waist lines, this is bound to be a bestseller.

Made by EA7 (Emporio Armani's sport line), it combines sweatpant material at the waist with the look and feel of khaki at the bottom. It's like Dockers and Reebok had a baby and gave birth this perfect pair of pants. It can take you from the gym to the office. Worn with a shirt over it, it can act like a man-girdle. The possibilities are endless! Endless!

YES
With these pants, there is no Thanksgiving dinner or all you can eat Chinese Buffet that will test your limit. Gorge on my friends.

NO
You don't have to be pregnant to own one of these. If you're a man and you find that you're pregnant, you will need a doctor more than you need these pants

MAYBE
The gym is your office and you didn't realize how much you need these pants more than ever. You're welcome.


File Under 

An Argument for Seasonless Fashion

Trolling through all of the websites dedicated to identifying the latest on-the-minute trends, the random tips on how to wear a tuxedo jacket for day time, the street walkers who spend weeks preparing their outfits for photo pimps placed outside of a runway show, and reading all the other nonsense that strangers vomit onto a laptop through a url, I realize that we live in a world of seasonless fashion.

Style is global and through mass consumption it has eliminated the need for seasons. Most people live in moderate climates and those above or below the temperate zones are soon to be extinct polar bears or inedible tap-dancing penguins. Surely people who enjoy four seasons need another set of pants, sweaters, accessories and winter coats to protect them from the snow, but let's get real.

Nine months out of the year, I wear mostly seasonless garments comprised of light weight knits, a leather jacket, a denim trucker jacket paired with sneakers, dress shoes a raincoat, khakis and jeans. The rest are basic tees and shorts along with socks underwear and t-shirts. That's it. I pull the look together  with accessories and a little prayer to Jesus.

Fabrics are the real breakthrough in fashion. Lighter weight wools, cotton fleeces which keep you warmer than most heavy knits and nylon fabrics which keep out the cold, the water and snow only support my argument for seasonless fashion.

Like the old saying goes, God made the marble, the sculptor only brings his creation to life. Because at the end of the day, only a handful of designers actually create things you want, the others only recycle what's already been created.

YES
If you're like me and tired of shopping for unpredictable weather fronts that may or may not come and you just want to buy what you need when it's warm or cold or somewhere in between. But looking good is still important to you.

NO
If you have disposable income to buy anything and everything or if you are a celebrity and you get things for free to market to us poor plebeians.

MAYBE
You are a groundhog and you only come out of your hole once a year to check in your shadow; and fur is the best accessory.