What Your T-Shirt Says about You

It's one of the most basic items in a man's wardrobe that speaks volumes to those of us who see it. Based on years of non-scientific research and backed by prejudiced data mined through hours of sitting at a mall bench observing people, this is what your t-shirt says about you:

1. A high school or college t-shirt: That's when you peaked.
2. A v-neck t-shirt: You are gay.
3. A deep v-neck t-shirt: You are a gay slut.
4. A t-shirt with an American flag: You are a foreigner or you are from the south (about the same).
5. A t-shirt with a foreign flag: You are American who studied abroad. Hola!
6. A muscle t-shirt: You're a narcissist with some shortcomings.
7. An Ed Hardy t-shirt: You smell like a tanning salon.
8. A sleeveless t-shirt: You are an analyst by day, but a poor confused hipster at night.
9. Printed or Colorful t-shirt: Your girlfriend bought it to ward off other girls.
10. A logo t-shirt: Your mom bought it.
11. Message/joke t-shirts: You are obviously single for a reason.

Say yes to basic tees that fit and don't have too much going on.
Say no, no, no to the t-shirts that get you noticed for the wrong reasons.
Maybe you can get away with a t-shirt that you're being paid to wear.

Breaking Up with My Skinny Jeans

It happened today as I sorted my laundry separating the light from the dark set of clothes. That's when I noticed that my favorite pair of Uniqlo black skinny jeans had a large hole in the crotch area from over wearing. I contemplated repairing them but with the severity of the hole in the fabric it would be pointless.

Normally I would go out and buy another pair to replace something that made me feel like Mick Jagger or the bassist of the Ramones, but looking at my tattered pair of denim, I knew what I had to do. I had to move on.

It's not the jeans, it's me. As a guy who's thirty-something, it just didn't make sense for me to try to be something I'm not or will ever be, and that would be a young twenty-year old rock star at the peak of his sex infested career. Sure, I can belt all the songs on Guns and Roses Appetite for Destruction album like it's my job at a karaoke bar, but when it comes to real life, these jeans just won't do any more.

It's time to become the rock star moving into middle age gracefully. Even Mick Jagger looks like he should retire the silk blouse and spandex jeans. I don't want to lose my edge or dreams, but I don't want to look like a try-hard either. Sorry skinny jeans, we've grown apart. I'll tell the kids about you.

Yes, I said good-bye to my pair of black skinny jeans.
No, I'm not going to buy another pair.
Maybe, I will transition to wearing slim fit jeans instead.

Yes, No and Maybes of the Mens' Restrooms

My point of view to engaging other men in the bathroom comes from a place that I consider normal. You might think I'm uptight and crazy, but tomato...toma-toh.

YES / Greenlight Go
1. Nod that you see someone else in the bathroom whether you know them or not.
2. Fist pump greetings are okay, because it's more hygienic than a hand shake.
3. WASH YOUR HANDS! You know who you are.

NO / Don't Even Think About It Fool
1. Talk to me while I'm doing # 1, 2 or 3. It was awkward when my mom did it when I was a kid, and it's awkward now when the sales guy down the hall does it. I really don't want to think about your kid's football game while I'm emptying a Grande full of Starbucks at 10 in the morning.
2. Take the middle urinal when there are several urinals empty. Taking one urinal away from the other man is how you show respect for each other's junk...unless it's a trough at a bar then pee anywhere.
3. Talk on your phone while you're in the bathroom. Sure it's funny to call your home bathroom your office. It's just gross when you do it in public. It's bad enough I can smell what you're doing in stall # 2...I don't need to hear you talking either with your awkward pauses when you squeeze out your snickers bar.

MAYBE /Okay Who Cares
1. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper. Once that door is closed, it's all you in there. Just flush.
2. Tap your feet...unless you're in a red state or San Francisco Int'l Airport.
3. Don't use a paper towel to open doors. Okay, this is where my germaphobia comes out. But I haven't had a cold in years.

Yes, No and Maybe Rules of Style

YOUR FASHION BILL OF RIGHTS
Dressing well doesn't mean wearing designer clothes, flashing the bling-bling and being ahead, on top of or being behind the trend. Style is personal. Style is a projection of who you are as a person inside on the outside. Style reflects confidence.

As a man who has fun with fashion and style, here are some basic rules or Yes, No and Maybes:

YES / Basic Do's

1. Have a Good Tailor On Speed Dial: Looking good is all about the fit of your clothes or the fitness of your body. Because if you look good naked and can be shirtless at all times. God speed be nah-ked. For the rest of us who aren't sample sizes, you need a few pins and tucks here and there like a Bravo TV housewife. You don't need to have it so tight that your wool suit fits like a wetsuit, but you shouldn't look like a dancer in a dated MC Hammer video like "You Can't Touch This"...because no one ever will. Find that balance. Don't have an eye for it, ask your tailor.

2. Find Your Color on the Color Wheel: Not every color in the rainbow will look good on you. Orange-browns make me look like diarrhea. It's not pretty and I embrace it because I know sky blues and all shades of purple makeup for it. You need to bust out a Pantone scale and find where you fall and which colors match. I once heard that Calvin Klein used to have a Pantone stick in his desk that he would use to check and see if his assistant made his latte perfectly or not. Find yours!

3. Yes Spend a Little Extra on Accessories: Unless you work in a grocery store where carrying a plastic bag with your belongings inside is the norm, then you might need to carry that laptop, phone, picture of the kids and your sex toys in something that's a little bit more refined. Apply this rule to the accessories you use to finish off your outfit. I cringe every time I see a guy in a nice suit but is sporting a Jansport backpack from freshman year. Ick! Shoes should look like they won't unglue if you step in a puddle and your jewelry shouldn't turn your wrist green. You deserve better.


No's / Don't Do It Save Yourself
1. Gym Shoes with Your Work Clothes: It's a universal no-no for both men or women. This is a unisex rule that's the great equalizer in fashion. It's not the 80's when dress-sneaker shoe hybrids didn't exist. Do you really love your job so much you want to run to the office? Is running through traffic and being hit by a cab driver filled with road rage worth getting to the bus 10 minutes ahead so you can get the front seat worth it? Slow your roll. You look hideous in those white New Balance sneakers with your suit...unless you're going from the office to a marathon. Then it's still NOT okay.

2. Dressing Out of Your Age Range: At some point in your life, you realize you're not in college any more and the backwards baseball cap and hoodie combo looks stupid on a 40 year old body that's 40 lbs heavier than when you rocked the look as a Sig Ep. The same goes for guys who dress like they shopped their dad's closet from the boxy suits and slip on loafers. Clip the brass buttons from those double breast navy blue blazers and find something that was made when you weren't a fetus. You can project the young or polished look you want without looking like a punch line.

3. Clothes Like You Just Don't Care: You know who you are. You say you don't care about style and how other people think of you based on how you dress. You've been rocking the hobo look since the 1980's. Caring about style is gay. But we all know that's a lie. You may get by on torn sweatsuits and shoes that make a skunk smell like a dozen roses, but you don't wear those things to a wedding, an interview or a funeral. You do care at some point. So when you do go to the back of your closet to pull out that nice suit, please reference the Yes section above.

Maybe / Even I Don't Know the Answer
1. Dress for the Season: In the world of global warming and inter latitude travel, does dressing for the season really exist? It certainly doesn't apply for everyone. Living above the Maison Dixie line, there are a few days you wear a tank top in the middle of summer to let your nipples breath and you break out your sleeping bag coat in a freak snowstorm because your nut sac is frozen like a sac of grapes. Wear clothes that keep your body in a comfortable state. I err on the side of looking cool.

2. Being a Trendoid from the Planet Follow the Trend: They come and go like the cold, but sometimes they really work for you. Just don't get attached. You might catch something you didn't want to and will need a doctor to prescribe something for your fashion emergency (i.e. Ed Hardy shirts...burn it off like a wart).

3. Imitation Style: Brad Pitt rocks your world and that's how you take your style cues. Gwyneth Paltrow Brad Pitt was often found on the best dressed list. The Angelina years haven't been as kind. But if that's your touchstone for style then polish that stone to find your way to looking smooth.

Man Up

Figuring out what to wear, eat, drink and do because life is all about decisions.