Moose Knuckle is the Male Camel Toe

 Ever since Hedi Slimane came back to fashion, I've been obsessed with everything he's put on the Saint Laurent runway.

Even though his return meant that all of my current YSL pieces are now irrelevant...at least until 3 years from now when they become vintage, I'm such a fan of his male anorexic fashions. Simply put, his clothes have energy. I've seen that blazer before along with those pointy shoes and striped red sweater, but under Slimane's hands, I want them all over again. 

The moose knuckle (camel toe) in those dad's jeans don't even scare me off. It just makes me think that high-waisted pants are coming back. Unlike the model, I'll just have to make sure the boys are hoisted up into place so that they don't make the unfortunate moose knuckle look.

Oh Hedi, how you make me love fashion again. Even though I'm not your target demo or body type, I'm going to make this work for me within reason.  

YES

Matt Lauer will save a lot of money by not throwing away any of his jeans. Where does a guy buy a pair of dad jeans? The Gap? 

NO

Not everything Hedi does is a knockout.  It just looks cool and marketed very very well.

MAYBE

You kept a lot of stuff that Hedi made when he was at Dior Homme, which looks a lot like what he's putting out at Saint Laurent but just a little evolved. Well played my friend.

  

Red, White and Crazy for Freedom

 To celebrate the upcoming  4th of July holiday, I found this picture from the recent Thom Browne Spring 2014 collection. It's both crazy and inspiring. The glossy patent leather with brass buttons up and down the pant sides with a patchwork of color from head to toe makes me think that Ziggy Stardust and Pink Floyd's The Wall had a baby and that baby decided to join a gay navy.

This look in some way captures what it means to be American. The military uniform exemplifies the country's might emphasized by the broad shoulders. The haphazard color blocking represents both the diversity of its people and its political process. Put it all together and you get that sense of freedom that Americans take great pride. But it also represents the irony of our culture. We are our own greatest enemies. Because we also put a limit to our own freedom.

Sure this guy can own it on the runway, but outside of Halloween and a costume party, he won't be walking down Main Street in this get up any time soon.

YES

Exercise your right to express your brand of crazy. It's your God given right as an American.

NO

You can't wear this for Puerto Rican day too. 

MAYBE

You're old fashioned and you prefer to wear Old Glory (the flag) in many of its design incarnations. Just make sure to match the lipstick and the flag isn't made in China. 

The Windy Style

Spending a weekend in Chicago, I was struck as to how differently I dressed from the other people around me (aka the locals). Wearing a black and white color block tee with a pair of skinny jeans and Prada Sport dress shoes/sneakers, I realized how I didn’t see anyone who dressed or event remotely looked like me. And Chicago is a big diverse city.

Having lived in New York for 15 years, I have assimilated into the urban tribe’s look of sleek and modern style. This includes plenty of dark slacks/jeans, statement shoes/sneakers, and a lifetime worth of coats and jackets for any weather front possible. To back this up, I recently added a waterproof parka in lieu of Auntie Sandy’s visit last October. She was a hot mess and my new H&M parka is amazing. It says “I Heart Music Not the Rain.”

So it always intrigues me to see how other city tribes dress. Naturally it’s based on the law of averages. The number of times I see a bright pair of neon-colored crocs versus the number of Prada loafers catches my eye. How frequently I see an oversized LL Bean fleece sweater come towards me on a hot summer day in July on the street also says a lot about a city. And my powers of observation are only attuned in local areas and neighborhoods versus a tourist spot (i.e. Times Square, Hollywood Boulevard, Epcot Center).

Based on my non-scientific studies and built-in stereotypes, I’ve deduced the following:

1. There’s a reason why New York Fashion Week is the only globally recognized place where everyone needs to be in order to see what will be the next big trend of the year. Sure it’s due to the longstanding history of manufacturing and a home base to designers. But NYers are also obsessed about being current and what everybody else is wearing now. That guy cuffed his pants and doesn’t look so gay, I’ll try it too. 

2. Bostoners and Washington DC locals, will forever keep Ralph Lauren in business. Whether they be Democrat, Republican or Boston Tea Partier, they all have the right to bare polos. Granted, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen an American patriot playing polo. What do I know?

3. Chicagoans dress like they just stepped out of a Macy’s catalog. Not meant in any disparaging way, but they really do look like the men and women you see in Macy’s monthlies. You’re not inspired to wear something different unless it’s been watered down and made safe by uncle Macy’s.

NOTE: This also applies to all of the southern cities and small Midwest towns I’ve visited. They look like Dillards, Belk or a Super Target (#obsessed with Super Targets).

4.     L.A. people dress like male and female starlets. All the guys dress like they are auditioning for a role of girl or guy next door. For examples, please turn your TV on to a Lifetime melodrama.

5.     San Francisco locals dress like hippies with money…lots of internet start-up money.

6.     The people in Seattle were tough to pin down since it was so spread out. Overall, they looked like New Englanders with their sporty fleece, parkas and plaid. They frozen in a grunge look and I’m totally okay with that.

YES
Find your zip code in relation to the above and see how much of your personal style holds true. Own it!

NO
Just because you're a transient and don't have a permanent mailing address doesn't make you an individual. It makes you a schizophrenic. Your style is all over the place. Settle down. Apologies if you're homeless. I'm not that insensitive.

MAYBE
You're bicoastal and have two sets of wardrobe. Lord knows when I land in Hawaii, the loafers come off and the flip flops come on. Hey-loha!

Costume or Costume

Costume or Costume

Shakespeare once said that all the world is a stage, which would mean that we are all actors playing a part and our clothes help us to create who we want to project. What we wear act as a supporting role in our everyday performance.

We are conformists when we follow the must-have trend (i.e. Uggs), a power player when we wear a suit and a suburban mom with the dreaded mom jeans. In a way, you can say that what you wear helps you to fit into your desired tribe.

But in today's modern world, we have evolved even further. Beyond trying to just fit in to the bleach blond moms of a California cul de sac or the golf playing dads at the Applebee's, we now accept and celebrate the characters who live life like its a Wizard of Oz fantasy.

The other day, in broad daylight, I saw a girl wearing a hoop skirt with an embroidered poodle, a white Peter Pan colored shirt, a pulled back pony tail and a pair of converse sneakers. She looked like she was making a technicolor debut, but she was just in line at Chipotle getting a taco. It was midtown Manhattan do she could just be coming from a Broadway show but I had seen her before and always in character. The first time I saw her it was startling but over the last couple of months I realized that she seemed normal and I ate at Chipotle way too often.

If Shakespeare was alive, I think he would need to amend his original quote and add that all the world is a stage and no one knows who is wearing a costume.

YES
I got all philosophical. It happens.

NO
Going like you normally dress doesn't pass as a Halloween costume

MAYBE
You are a philosophy major and I got this whole thing wrong based on the Socratic Method. It happens

Hating on Tom Cruise

I haven't seen his latest film Oblivion and have no desire to pay $50 to go to see it in a NYC movie theater. But this red carpet image of Tom Party of 1 made me think, "Dude! You need to rethink your style."

Tom was the man! He defined a generation of X-treme Manhood that celebrated guys who went way out of their way to prove just how manly they are in a time as women continued to assert themselves in every segment of society.

Put aside Tom's influence on society and his impressive library of one-liners (i.e. Need for Speed or You Complete Me), I think it's time for Tom to handle the truth. His tie is the size of a placemat. 

Not since Pavarotti's silk scarves have I seen a tie the width of a Subway 12 inch sub. Even Jerod would put that much fabric on a diet.

Maybe Katie left Tom because his look is stuck in the nineties style. But then again, that decade is back and currently current.

YES

A wide tie doesn't help anybody that short and stocky. It only works to add more width to the silhouette.

NO

You don't have to retire your tie. If you have enough of them, you can get creative like Martin Margiela and sew them all together to make a lovely shirt made out of ties.

MAYBE

You are a big stocky guy and a wide tie actually evens out your girth. More power to you. But seriously, call Jerod or your doctor and take care of that. Not everyone is Tom Cruise.

A Trip to the Past Now My Present-Future

Over the weekend, I made a trip to the Paul Smith sale shop in Williamsburg. Even though it's become the cultural epicenter of the city that attracts tourists, models, their loyal stalkers and a load of trust fund kids, I discovered a unique measurement of time that I like to call the Present-Future.

The Present-Future is just an actualization of what life is like now and a vision of what it will be in the near future. Taking Williamsburg into consideration, in the past, it was a neighborhood with a strong Latino, Italian and Polish influence. Even before the birth of the hipster--a local home-grown creation--the young kids who settled the neighborhood were misfits, artists and musicians. They had a real sense of style and individuality. Naturally they attracted groupies, wannabes and white collared stiffs who wanted a way to escape their mundane reality.

And the Present-Future of Williamsburg is a series of high-rise condominiums that will keep sprouting up like mushrooms. With each new addition, they are accompanied by organic vegan tofu trucks served by chefs trained at the French Cordon Bleu. They source veggies from local rooftops alongside honey that's sold by the ounce at the same price of gold. The present is less stylish and the future will be even less so. Instead of the mix-and-match style that Williamsburg used to be known for, I only saw the same gaggle of girls with the same Chanel bags and the preppy guys with boat shoes.

The original creative types have been pushed out. The neighborhood is on the same evolutionary path as once-bohemian Soho. Nowadays, it's easier to find a designer store than it is to find an art studio or gallery on Spring Street, which it was known for in the past.

Gentrification used to be a dirty word. But now it's just the norm. It has a life cycle that enters a Present-Future.  Pretty soon, the Paul Smith sale shop will be a full-priced shop. The future Prada store will be an amazing virtual store on the water next door to a one day to be built Crate & Barrel. There will be $800 shoes strutting up and down Bedford Ave to one of the many high-rises. And the original hipster look will be recycled by a designer in 10 years time and s/he will resell it as nostalgia to a new generation looking to connect with a past they don't understand.

YES
Just like fashion, neighborhoods change along with the times. Don't fight it, just go along for the ride.

NO
I haven't discovered where the new it neighborhood is in the city. A part of me hopes that the exciting artist community still exists but I wouldn't be surprised if it's no longer within one of the five original boroughs. This past week, I actually looked into going to Marfa, TX just to check out their art scene before the Present-Future takes hold of that small artsy town.

MAYBE
Reverse gentrification may be a thing in the far distant future but I just won't be here to witness it.

Put Some Junk in Your Trunk

It's always around this time of year that I notice how the gym is always busy with guys and girls who are working on perfecting their beach beautiful bodies. Every free second they have must be dedicated to cardio, weight training and avoiding carbs. Boo fat. Yay thin. But this fanatical corpal commitment is all done for the future.

Whether it's for a quick spring vacation to Mexico or to prep for an entire summer of sharing a house out in the Hampton's or Shore, they are all obsessed about working on their beach-bikini-ready bodies.

I'm one of them.

Having gained major poundage from an all you can eat European cruise compounded by a celebratory holiday, I've got my work cut out for me before the first break of summer weather gets to the east coast. In trying on my old collection of swimwear, I realize that it's time to say good-bye to a few pieces and perhaps time to pick up a new one.

The problem with men's swimwear is that it's just one piece that makes it or break it for a guy whereas women have an arsenal of tops, bottoms, one-pieces and cover-ups to help them hide or accentuate their best assets. Here's a quick guide on how to pick the right pair for you to show off the body you've worked so hard to put back together.

YES
--Rock a Speedo especially if you're an Olympian or just built like one. But just because you're European or gay doesn't make it a birthright.
--Be your best Metrosexual in swim shorts aka boy shorts. Longer boy shorts which have an inseam of 4" look best on taller guys with super skinny legs. The 2" inseam shorts look best on shorter meatier guys. I would recommend this to a guy who's also a little bigger. Women have a swimsuit rule that a smaller bikini makes girls look smaller versus a big one. Same rule applies to guys.  
--Prints are okay. Vilebrequin makes them so that you can buy a matching pair for your toddler. Awww...so sweet. Rule of thumb is if you like it buy it. If you're unsure ask a friend whose style you admire.
--Elastic bands versus surfer tie-bands. Elastic is more secure around the waist and more forgiving for guys whose weight yo-yos. Tie bands look horrible on fat guys and look best on toned surfer types.
--There's nothing wrong with exploiting your own God given gifts. If you can give Long Dong Silver a run for his money, then you can either enhance your Jon Hamm with a banana sling Speedo or you can camouflage it with a printed short.

NO
--Men's swimwear shouldn't go past your knees. I'll probably buy the one pictured above with the cool skeletal print. But I already know I'll need to have it cut so that it works with my proportions.
--Do not buy $300 designer swimwear. Remember, it's just nylon with a mesh lining. It's just not worth it.

MAYBE
--You hate the summer, water and anything beach related. At least fake it with a spray tan.