I Dream of Barrett...Neil Barrett

I've never signed up for Match.com, ChristianMingle or OKCupid.

But if I did, I'm pretty sure that my perfect match would be Neil Barrett's men's spring 2015 collection. I mean what's there not to like about it. Neil Barrett's looks for spring are the perfect catch.  The pants look casual enough for long romantic walks on the beach. The zippers on the side of the shirts shows an ability to be flexible. Plus, I like how the collection doesn't try too hard. It's everything I've ever dreamed of in a perfect wardrobe.

I think we may be in love. And come spring, there might be a marriage between this collection and my closet.

YES
Sometimes an algorithm can be so right. I mean, 1/3rd of married couples in the U.S. meet online. Neil's spring collection and I are just another example.

NO
You don't have to put a ring on the first collection that gets you excited. You have to be sure it's right for both of you.

MAYBE
Religion is important to you. I'm pretty sure that these cotton pants are kosher and halal. Baptism optional.

Man Crushing; Street Style

YES
This guy's outfit is everything...from his grandma's purse, the polka dot sneakers, the loose-fitting tee and those pants. I would mug him on the street just to have those freaking pants.

NO
There's nothing about this look that needs to changed. This is man crushing at its finest.

MAYBE
He's my fashion soul mate. If only I were single. If only he were 2 sizes smaller. If only.

Don't Call It a Comeback

Donatella Versace, you sexy little minx, you've got me trolling the web for your designs like a pubescent boy looks for porn (e.g. it's easy).

Ever since Gianni died, the Versace label lost its luster. You never hear men on the red carpet say, "oh, I'm wearing Versace." Even rappers have moved on from the label.

But these medusa pieces are incredible. It's the right balance of flashy and substance. The Versace man demands to be looked at but do not want to be stared and glared at, which the classic Gianni pieces used to do. Those silk print shirts were a desperate cry for attention.

With a depressed economy that hasn't fully recovered, less truly is more. And it seems that after years of not listening, Donatella has gotten the memo.

YES
Donatella, you are back girl. Don't f it up. You're only as good as your last collection.

NO
If you're Easter European or Chinese, then Versace has never really fell off your radar. You will rock gold studs and medallions til the day you die. Rock on.

MAYBE
The economy will rebound and then some and the classic Gianni silk shirts will make a comeback. I hope so because I have a few in reserve.

Don't Mesh with Me

Opening Ceremony, you did it again.

You've created a spectacular collection for Spring/Summer 2015 that makes me want to open my wallet and spend my money on a bomber jacket with side mesh panels and long yellow stripes running down the sleeves.

Screw my 401K. This is a lifelong fashion investment.

Men toy with the idea of mesh, but haven't fully committed to it because it draws on vanity. And that's for pretty gays, body builders and slutty women. But the recent collection of men's ready to wear have shown subtle ways to incorporate mesh into a sleeve or side panel that makes it a palatable material for men. Because at the end of the day, men love fabrics that breathe as much as women do. Nike figured this out a long time ago and has been making tra-billions.

YES
Man up and try on a little mesh. Let your skin breathe a little during the summer.

NO
It's not pretty if you wear mesh and you haven't manscaped your body hair.

MAYBE
You've been meshing around with mesh with your underwear. Does your wife know?

#Obsessed with Michael Carl

YES

Everyone and their fairy godmother loves a bitchy gay

NO

He's not part of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy remake...too soon

MAYBE

Like so many great actors before him, he's just playing a gay caricature to get me to click over and over and over again to watch this highly amusing video. Well played. Your move Chaz Bono.

My Kind of Brand

Everyone is a brand unto themselves.

Let's give thanks to the mother of all brand builders...Jennifer Lopez.

This girl from the block took a mediocre singing voice, basic acting talent and the gift to jiggle where it counts all the way to the bank.

If my ass could launch a clothing line, guarantee an 8 million dollar a year seat on a nationally televised show and still defy gravity in my 40's then I would shake my bon bon up and down Hollywood boulevard until it cemented a place in the walk of fame...wait, I think she did that too.

But everyone is now a brand. Even the once innocent and quiet street style photographer (the Sartorialist) and the blogger without a social life (Bryan Boy, ManRepeller and StyleBubble) have all become megabrand with a staff, a stylist and an agent. They'll sell anything if the price is right. They have to. With so many copycat blogs popping up every other minute, they have to make the Benjamins while the iron is still hot on their Google search.

Because at the end of the day, we are all a bunch of Jenny's from the block waiting for our pay-offs. Some people say that they really love what they do. But the money helps you to love it a little more than before.

YES
Let's all thank J-Lo for teaching us that you can brand anything even if your talent is mediocre. I'm pointing all fingers at you Kim Kardashian. Before your ass launched a thousand branding initiatives, JLo did it first. Give her a shout out.

NO
You don't need an ass to brand yourself. I do it all the time. It's easy. Just take a permanent marker and put your name or self-designed logo on everything. This morning, I did just that on my Starbucks.

MAYBE
You are Coca-Cola and you're pissed that your brand has bottomed out literally. You're burnt out from all the different ways you've tried to resell yourself to America. There was Coke Zero, Clear Coke, Cherry Coke and Coke 1, 2, 3 and infinity. Sorry I'm not not sorry. I'm into Smartwater.

Trendspotting: The Elegant Schlub

I blame the freelance economy and white collar guilt.

Bankers and financiers who still feel guilty about creating the Great Recession have moved the needle forward on the elegant schlub movement. It's the put together disheveled look that most men wear when they're not at work. You can spot them everywhere. They look like they are going to the world's most expensive gym, where no one works out and only go to stare at themselves in the mirror.

But the irony is that the elegant schlub pieces still cost more than most average Americans can afford. That sweatshirt is a $300 Kenzo worn with a $200 Alexander Wang sweat pant and finished off with a $500 Givenchy slip on made of boiled Mongolian cashmere. Don't get me started on the $5,000 automatic sport watch that will never be used for an actual sport.

Women should also take on some of the blame for allowing men to look like they put less effort in their appearance than a nun with a bad habit. Maybe women allow guys to look like well-off homeless people because the male peacock threatened their domain of being the prettiest in the relationship.

Tech entrepreneurs who look like they should be bagging groceries at the local Publix grocery store, but have the bank accounts of 19th century robber barons are also to blame. Because everyone knows that it's not how good looking you are or how large your male phallus is that counts. It's the size of your bank account that makes anyone sexy.

So as I troll through all of the men's collections coming out of London, I foresee another four years of stretch pants made of spun gold.

YES
This trend too shall pass in the same way that popped polo collars, trucker hats and Ed Hardy met their deaths; a hot male celebrity or athlete who men look up to will change the game. Can't wait.

NO
I'm not a hater. I own a pair of cashmere Burberry sweat shorts, which I will never wear to work out on a treadmill. The damn things are soft and comfortable. Women have fat clothes...why can't men?

MAYBE
Belt loops and belts will evolve out of fashion like fedoras and bell bottom pants. With the obesity epidemic in America getting worse, I think everyone will save their egos and just get rid of waistline-constricting belts all together.

Good Enough to Print

In a world that's always connected to the wall so that it can televise, print, scan, brew, and microwave from a single app, it is rarely silent. New mobile devices and wearable technologies have even ruined the quietude of the national park with every click, text, and streaming video pointed directly to the social media sky just beyond the top of the Grand Tetons.

With life and all of its distractions, it's no surprise that prints have blown up in such a big way during this warm-weather season. Because our clothes have to be loud too. Sneakers not meant for running are made of metallic pythons and super reflective neon that even color-blind dogs can identify as fluorescent pink.

All of life's distractions have alienated people. So when they do have to interact in the real world, they need "statement pieces" to make every moment count.

So make that print count.

YES
One print or statement piece is all you need for Instagram. Wearing a print from head-to-toe is one way to look like walking wallpaper. I like to wear tone on tone. This means, I will wear a navy blue floral shirt with a navy suit. Keeps it simple but interesting.

NO
Prints don't have to be on the outside. If you're shy, you can try it in small doses as the inside lining of your coat or as trim on your cuffs or collar.

MAYBE
You think prints are for sissies. And you're a man! This is all fine and dandy, but just remember that cammo counts as a print.

Die #Normcore Die!

Fashion is over itself.

It's so bored with being challenged with new proportions, hem lines, rounded shoulders, beading, zippers, magic velcro and asymmetrical bias non-bias cuts that it has adapted the looks of the normal people as the trend of the moment.

It's called normcore and sartorially defined by a man wearing a bespoke suit with designer sneakers. A woman in her chic Celine sac dress paired with Givenchy Birkenstocks also falls under the term. It's the new ugly beautiful.

Imagine the cast of Seinfeld glorified to Chanel status...who produced its own version of Haute Couture normcore sneakers, which cost as much as Seinfeld's NYC apartment with a waiting list to boot.

I've been a fan of the normcore movement until it's reached this current tipping point of mass saturation. Now every 5th grader with a credit card and kid's version of the Kenzo sweatshirt is normcore. The luster has faded.

YES
If you're tired of being challenged by fashion. Then ride this normcore wave as hard and long as possible. Because when it crashes, you're going to look as exciting like a tired episode of Seinfeld.

NO
Normcore and looking sexy is not possible.  A slutty tank top with tight fitting sweatpants just doesn't work...not even at the Mall of America food court.

MAYBE
Alexander McQueen's reincarnation will come to the scene already and make everyone dream again.

I Share therefore I Am

Privacy isn't sexy. If you can snap a picture of your privates and Tweet it, pin it, post it, regram, vine, snapchat or spam what your mama gave you to your friends, fans and followers, then why wouldn't you? That's what technology is for isn't it?

Steve Jobs spent his formative years developing the equipment to help humanity unleash its inner exhibitionist.

If I'm not confronted by a celebrity dick pick, nip slip or not-so-shocking sex tape on a daily basis, then I would be lost and confused.

And in a society where our values are based on Hollywood morality, we're all encouraged to show it all off by every means possible. Over sharing your life through all of the ways that our phones, laptops, apps and wearable tech enables us to do so is very tiring.

Maintaining a 24/7 social media persona is nearly impossible. Even those who started out with an innocent blog have developed into mini-dotcomglomerates. Bloggers have agents, publicity teams and an assistant with an assistant in their lives now.

It's not all negative.

The upside of oversharing is the ability to communicate in quick and simple terms. There's no longer a need to explain over and over again how I got drunk last night and passed out on the sidewalk on the corner of 23rd and 3rd to all of my friends across the world. All they have to do is to just look at my friend's Instagram feed, where he tagged me and my vomit in a photo before helping my drunk ass get home.

Through our oversharing, we've also learned to hone our skills to judge quickly and efficiently. Social media allows us to get a LinkedIn bio of a person who's about to join our work team, an idea of what they look like on Facebook, and a sense of what their lives are like based on their Instagram and Pinterest boards. Some apps even give you a preview of their privates and sexual predilections to help you decide if you're a match or not. This alone saves you three months of heavy petting and boring uneventful dates.

Heck, technology also accounts for more couples falling in love, getting married and consciously uncouple all through Skype. That has to count for something.

We're all getting closer together one device at a time.

YES
Narcissism in small doses can be healthy and lead to long careers in television that leads to marrying a semi-talented rapper.

NO
Narcissism in large doses is obnoxious. And because of this, it is socially acceptable for me to hate you on the message boards.

MAYBE
You don't own a mirror or any smart devices. Good for you. We will never cross paths.